Sunday is not a great day. Monday is worse to be sure. In fact, it's really an amalgamation of Sunday night into Monday morning that mankind dreads. If you really wish to put a fine point on it, it is really when "60 Minutes" begins. The ticking of the "60 Minutes" timer, is in all actuality counting down your last seconds of freedom. It continues through your commute to work, only ending around the first hour on the job. Once you're at work, well, you're at work, and unless you hate your job, it's not that bad....once you get there. My theory always ran something like this, and it goes back to when I was in college. Thinking about going to class was always better than actually sitting in class, while thinking about work is always worse than actually being there. Still, Sunday, is just not a great day, especially with football winding down.
- Counting down your weekends since 1968. (Getty Images)
Keeping all of this in mind, it would therefore be unfortunate I should think to have a holiday that is for all intents and purposes known as the "Ultimate Sunday". That day of course would have to be New Year's Day. I'm not even sure I see the purpose of New Year's Day, other than to sleep off hangovers from New Year's Eve. I'm not against that per se', but it's a flimsy reason as holidays go. For example, if you wanted to start designating holidays based on hangover potency, why isn't the Monday after the Super Bowl a holiday? There's got to be a lot of work hours lost due to extended trips to the bathroom due to the ingestion of chicken wings, nachos, and other gastro-intestinally challneged foods. If anyone gets up from their desk on the Monday after the Super Bowl clutching a "New York Post" and groans out to the person's cube next door, "Cover me", you know it's going to be a while. This doesn't even account for all of the people who just wake up and say, "Ah, the hell with it", hit their alarm and go back to bed. At the very least we could all come to some consensus on the idea that we could start the workday an hour later on the Monday after the Super Bowl.
- There's just no way I can perform all of these Vasectomies the morning after the Super Bowl! (Getty Images)
I guess I'm not complaining about New Year's Day being a holiday. I certainly don't wish to take a day off of work for granted. It's just that it has such finality to it. All of the hype for the holiday season comes crashing to an end. Plus the day itself is such a flat-liner.
It begins with the idea that you are going to sleep late, after all, it's New Year's Day, there's nothing else to do. However, if you have little kids, or if you were drinking the night before, sleeping late is much more difficult than it sounds. Three year olds don't care that it's New Year's Day, because everyday of the week is New Year's Eve to them. And, while drinking the night before may allow you to "pass out" easier, it doesn't mean you get a good night sleep, or that you will in fact sleep late. (As I am now 50, sleeping in means 7:30) I can remember as a child that New Year's Day was one of the few days my parents attempted to sleep late, which probably meant around 9:00am. My parent's weren't big drinkers, and my father was practically a "Teatotaler". He never understood the purpose of getting drunk. He used to say, "why do you want to drink something that's going to make you act stupider?" When he really wanted to send a message, he would ask me why I needed to drink in order to "loosen up"? "Are you saying you can't have fun just as you are? Is there something wrong with you"? Since there were no real answers to any of these questions, I would just start drinking to forget that they were asked in the first place. (He also liked to point out that most alcoholic beverages tasted lousy, when I said it was an acquired taste, he said, "Why do I need to acquire it"?)
- "Wake up Mom and Dad...Wake up!!!" (Getty Images)
Honestly, even after my parents woke up, the day was a drag. You had to watch the Rose Bowl Parade, which even as a little kid seemed like a parade for girls. You couldn't really go anywhere because everything was closed. We never went out for dinner or did anything of any substance, but knowing that the next day was usually a school day, perhaps this made the transition a little easier.
Today, a lot of that has changed. A lot of stores and restaurants are now open on New Year's Day. In many ways, other than the Banks, Stock Market, Post Office, and Schools being closed, it's really becoming more like Columbus Day. It's just another day to go shopping, go to the movies, take the kids out, but no particular significance. For many people, New Year's Day is all about taking down the Christmas Tree. Taking down the "Tree" is a major step towards ending the year, and starting anew. There's a nice feeling of accomplishment knowing that the tree is down. It also helps people get ready to execute their New Year's resolutions.
- Good lord...the waste! (Getty Images)
The irony of the "New Year's Resolution" is that they rarely bear fruit. According to Forbes.com, only 8% of New Year's resolutions are accomplished. By far, the most popluar New Year's resolution is to lose weight. Since most people who go on diets fail, or eventually gain their weight back, it skews the results a little. Therefore, perhaps we are more successful than we have been led to believe? I've had a mixed record regarding my New Year's resolutions. For example, I have had success at losing weight, but that was usually when I had gotton too fat! A couple of years ago, I decided I wouldn't curse anymore, just "hell" and "damn". That lasted about three f#$&ing months. (Sometimes, you really just have to curse in order to make a point.) This year, I'm hoping to read more books. The stupid internet has ruined my ability to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes, so as a result, my book reading has suffered. I know I can do it, I just have to find the right book. (You're looking at a man who once read the "Lord of the Rings" triology on the toilet. It took a year, but it was sooooo worth it.)
- "Oh Frodo Baggins, will you ever learn"? (Getty Images)
(Editor's note - Some of you may find this crass, but what you should be asking yourself is why does "Getty Images" have a stock photo of a man reading on the toilet?)
So what are your New Year's resolutions? Here are some suggestions:
- Spend more time in the bathroom. (That's your time...Damn-it!)
- Go for more walks. People love it when they see you walking, they wave, they stop and talk to you, walkers are universally loved. If you're walking a dog, it practically makes you Gandhi!
- Try out for a part in your local Community Theatre. Everybody loves to wear a costume, the trouble is, it's rarely socially acceptable. When you're in a play, you can be anybody you wish. If it's a Shakesphere play, then you can wear those tights you've always dreamed of.
- Go to Liquer stores and do as many free wine tastings as you can.
- Gain Weight. It's almost guaranteed to succeed.
- Travel to places nobody else goes. "This year we are going to Nebraska, North Dakota, (The one true Dakota) and Toledo to take in a Mudhens' game."
- Take a reverse-equity mortgage. According to Henry Winkler, you can keep...Your Home!
- Binge watch a show. The year my wife and I got through "Breaking Bad" still stands as my greatest accomplishment!
- Eat one thing you've never eaten before. Perhaps that KFC sandwich that uses chicken as the bread?
- Start smoking cigars. When you have a lit cigar in your hand, and then you start pontificating, anything you say sounds intelligent.
- "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side....Yeah!" (Robert Hoffman Collection)
So, no matter how limited your intellectual capacities may be, just aspire to light up a stogie, and in the words of Fredo Corleone:
(Feeling nostalgic, check out some older "Hoffman Files" at (hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com/)
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