Yes, the world has been conquered…..by me! It has been conquered one “post” at a time. How do I know this? Well, check out this impressive list:
The United Kingdom, Canada, Qatar, Lebanon, New Zealand, Poland, Germany, Japan, (The entire axis, woo hoo!…except for Italy) Switzerland, India, Ireland, Brazil, Jamaica, South Korea, Ghana, Australia, Saudi Arabia, (Look who’s in the “House”??? House of “Saud” that is), Singapore, Netherlands, Antigua and Barbuda, Belgium, France, Venezuela, and the United Arab Emirates. I would also add that on my old blog (which is still active…hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com/) I just recently picked up a view from Cambodia. This was a huge surprise considering the Khmer Rouge’s longstanding policy against capitalist blog sites.
“We urge all comrades to reject Hoffman’s capitalist, imperialist, educated, (They didn’t like educated people) bespectacled, (They didn’t like people with glasses) chubby observations.” (Getty Images)
In the interest of full disclosure, to both my exotic, mysterious foreign audience, as well as my “baseball, hot dog, and apple pied domestic audience, I should probably say that my “Qatar” viewers are made up of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who live there. I should probably also admit that some of the foreign views come from people they know who live in other countries. I think I should also be truthful in mentioning that my views from Singapore are probably attributable to my time there spent in one of their prisons. I made some good friends while I was doing hard time for leaving a public toilet without bothering to flush it. In fairness, I’ve always subscribed to the edict put forth by my friend Chris from Oswego who stated to me many years ago after I plugged up his toilet in Brooklyn: “Dude, if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down.” Unfortunately, the Singapore government views that statement with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Good old Erfi, despite his high stress job, he’s able to kick back with a whimsical post from “the kid”. (Getty Images)
I’m assuming that people from other countries who view my blog are “stumbling” upon it as opposed to seeking it out. ”Tagging” is a good way to trap unwary virtual travelers. For instance, a few months ago on my old blog site, I wrote an account of my Colonoscopy experience. (Incredibly, it didn’t get that many views, as if a healthy colon is something our population can be flippant about) One of the pictures I put up was a picture of Gandhi. I also tagged Gandhi, and lo and behold I received several views from the “subcontinent”. I felt this might provide me with a massive new audience. If just a few people in Mumbai would “share” with a few people in Bengaluru (Formerly known as Bangalore), before you know it, I”m number one in a country of one billion! But so far….not so much.
“Good evening New Delhi!!!!! traffic continues to back up on the Nehru Causeway as throngs of people line up to view the newest “Hoffman File” posting.” (At least this is how I picture it) (Getty Images)
I do seem to have a bit of a following in several nations of the Middle East. Getting views from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia definitely took me by surprise. I’m not sure how many Jewish bloggers there are in Saudi Arabia, and if there are, who are these people in Saudi Arabia and Lebanon that would be spending their free time reading them? At any rate, if there’s a top 10 most read Jewish blogging list in Mecca or Beirut, I’d like to think I’m amongst the most popular. (Not Salmon Rushdie popular, because that type of popularity a fellow could do without. I’d have to get a bodyguard, and then they’d follow me all over the place, and wonder how I could spend so much time in the bathroom, and other things best kept private.)
The amount of “views” I or anyone draws to their blog (be they domestic or foreign) shouldn’t really matter. My brother who was an editor and is a College English Professor, has told me on several occasions that the number of views are irrelevant. It’s easy, as he points out, to manipulate the number of views by simply tagging it with the word ”Khardashian”. All of a sudden, you’ll receive a lot more views, but that’s not really what it should be about according to him. Instead he told me, that I should just have fun and keep trying to improve. That sounds great, but there’s a certain validation you receive from posting your blog and getting a healthy amount of views. Why is that? Well, especially when you’re trying to be funny, (You know I’m trying to be funny right…I mean you know that right?) since you can’t hear people laughing at your blog, the best measuring stick for whether the posting was any good, is to see that a few hundred people viewed it.
Get us home Jeeves, I have to keep clicking on Hoffman’s blog so he thinks he’s popular in England. Bloody fool!” (Associated Press)
One thing about blogging for the “Times Union” or anywhere for that matter, is that people can comment on what you write. Comments are nice…sometimes. There is a bit of anger/rage/snarkiness to some of the comments, although the majority of them have been positive. Unfortunately, one of my character flaws is to focus on the one negative aspect of any situation rather than embrace the multitudes of positive comments and experiences. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when my Australian viewers stated they wished to flush my blog down the toilet, “counter-clockwise”. I would be better served to embrace the positive comments I’ve received. For example, my South Korean audience enjoys tormenting rival North Korea (They of the very limited internet connectivity) by reading excerpts from the “Hoffman Files”, but then leaving out the punch lines, leaving them wondering why in fact a chicken would cross the road? (My guess is that a North Korean would never wonder why a chicken would cross the road. They would already know it was because “Dear Leader” said it could. Anyway, they’d probably just eat it, after all, they are very hungry.)
“Oy vey, my back is killing me. The only thing that makes the pain bearable is “Dear Leader’s” interpretation of the “Hoffman FIles”. (Times Union)
The other thing I’ve learned since I began blogging for the “Times Union” is that headlines matter. They matter more than subject matter, at least if you wish to draw in viewers. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, and I’ve suffered some low viewer turnout for several of the following headlines:
- “Tasty Truffles of Sub-Saharan Africa”
- “Hairballs! Natures Phlegm Cleansers”!
- “Bathroom Odors You Just Can’t Replicate”
- “The Subtle Mystique of Men with Superfluous 3rd Nipples’
- Soccer
Since I pride myself on learning from my mistakes, I’ve been working on my headline writing and I’m hopeful that these will grab your attention going forward:
- WAR!!!…and other card games you can play with your four year old
- “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”!…and other great Frank Zappa songs
- “The Jets Win the Super Bowl”! (In 1969)
- “The Patriots Cheated their way to 3 Super Bowls”! (Just kidding, that’s old news)
- “New Jersey Governor Hugs Dallas Cowboys Owner”! (Sorry, that’s a desperate one, I’m running out of ideas so I just made up something stupid that nobody would ever believe)
I guess all a blogger can do is keep trying and hopefully one day, reach more of the world’s untapped audience. Perhaps my greatest satisfaction came when I received a view from the homeland of my ancestors…”Mother Russia”. I think we all know who was dialing in to “The Files”, ahem, it was President Putin! That’s right Putin….I’m watching you…especially when you’re hunting bears.
Soooo sexy….Soooo shirtless. (Albany Times Union)
So to all of my new friends around the world, let me just finish by saying:
- Yes, all Americans are just like me
- Bill Belichick is the Anti-Christ
- Balding chubby men are indeed quite desirable in America
And finally, to my friends in Ghana, let me simply say, ”Me daa si”
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