The other night, my wife and I stumbled upon a local cable channel broadcasting out of Albany. The classic sitcom “Cheers” was on, and within a few seconds I found myself laughing. I was not surprised since it had always been one of my favorite all-time programs. Over the summer, my youngest son, showing great determination and resolve (and thanks to the binge-viewing magic that is Netflix) watched every single episode of “Cheers” from beginning to end. (I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there were a lot of those shows made. This wasn’t some 8 episode arc we’re talking about. We’re talking 27 episode seasons for eleven seasons.) As any good parent would, I tried to supervise this adventure into sitcom abyss. It was well worth the “sacrifice”, as I found myself laughing out loud often. It held up very well even though some of the shows were over 30 years old.
“Telephone call for Ernie Pantusso”.
“That’s you coach”
“Oh sorry, hello”.
(Getty Images)
“That’s you coach”
“Oh sorry, hello”.
(Getty Images)
Anyway, whilst still basking in the greatness of “Cheers”, the station advertised that “Welcome Back Kotter” was up next . My wife and I said, “ok, for the sake of curiosity we have to at least check it out.” Saying “Welcome Back Kotter” looked, sounded, and felt dated, is like saying the Chicago Cubs, who haven’t won a World Series in 107 years, are in a rebuilding phase. The poor Cubs haven’t even been to a World Series since 1945, and two things should be kept in mind regarding that fleeting bit of glory:
- Their 1945 National League Championship came against “has-been’s” and “never-were’s” since all of the good major league players were fighting in World War Two
- They haven’t been to a World Series since Jackie Robinson integrated Major League Baseball. I’m not sure if this constitutes “cause and effect”, or coincidence. It might be correlation, but I don’t have the time, energy, desire, or ability (a.k.a..intelligence) to study this phenomena further.
Gabby Hartnett, whose ”Homer in the gloamin” helped propel the Cubbies to their last World Series” appearance. Which they lost. (Getty Images)
As my wife and I suffered through what had to be the longest 10 minutes in sitcom history, we watched those infamous “cut-ups”, Arnold Horshack, Vinnie Barberino, Juan Epstein, and Freddy “Boom-Boom” Washington perform their overdone “schtick” to the studio audiences’ delight. (True bedlam broke out in the audience for a younger, head full o’ hair, pre-scientology’d John Travolta) As this dreadful scene unfolded before us, it occurred to me that I used to live for this show. I mean, you didn’t miss “Welcome Back Kotter”, when it first hit the airwaves. You would sit there and laugh, and imagine yourself as one of the “Sweathogs”. (“Hey Mom, am I more like Juan Epstein or Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington”? ”Robbie! Did you do your homework?”) Is this true for many of our memories from childhood? Are most of the things we miss from our youth really things that weren’t very good to begin with? Well, let’s take a look. Lord knows you people aren’t taking any initiative!
I believe that much of what we claim to remember fondly probably wasn’t that good to begin with. What we really miss is not “Welcome Back Kotter” or eating “Twinkies”, but being young. When you’re young, a lot of things seem good because…you’re young!
A few years ago, we were down on Long Island visiting my brother for Easter. It was a nice day so we took my youngest son on a “Hoffman Victory” tour of sorts. We proceeded to visit a lot of the places that I remembered fondly from my youth, including my old house, my High School (Plainedge), and many other establishments that I used to frequent. (Interestingly, many of them were food themed, or perhaps, not that interestingly)
“Zorn’s of Bethpage, where free-range chickens have short life expectancies” (Hoffman Collection)
Visiting your old home is both a blessing and a curse. I compare it in some ways to visiting your parents’ graves at the cemetery. It’s a good thing to do, but in the end, it’s a little underwhelming. You kind of expect something to happen, but, in reality that’s a little unrealistic. I think it boils down to the fact that when you visit the place you grew up, two things invariably sour the experience:
- Most of the time, the house you grew up in as well as the town itself has changed so much you barely recognize it. All of a sudden you’re George Bailey running through “Pottersville” wondering where “Martini’s Place” and the “Bailey Building and Loan” went, and why there’s so many brothels and bars in their place. (Call me a “Dirt-bag”, but I kind of preferred “Pottersville” over Bedford Falls)
- Most of the people you knew and more importantly, those who knew you, are all gone. You walk around expecting somebody to recognize you, but they look straight through you. Jim Morrison was right. People indeed, are strange….when you’re a stranger.
My old house in North Massapequa, except it’s the wrong color and all of the trees are gone. Where’s all the bases for the Wiffle ball field? What kind of monster would do this? (Hoffman Collection)
I haven’t gone inside my old high school for a very long time, probably not since 1982. It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been teaching for 25 years, and walking into a school isn’t much of a “natural high”. I’ve seen it from the outside a few times. It’s pretty nondescript as high schools go. (As was my academic performance)
“Plainedge High School, where I learned to think about stuff”. (Hoffman Collection)
I think, like a lot of former Long Islanders, I don’t miss the traffic or taxes, but there are things that are fun to go back and experience. Here’s a sample of things that are either better or worse than I remember:
- White Castle: Worse…especially because I was sober this time.
- Krisch’s Ice Cream Parlor: Still great, maybe even better!
- Waldbaum’s Supermarket: Worse, I miss the pickle barrels and my brothers’ getting yelled at over the P.A. when they worked there.
- Congregation Beth-el: I don’t know, I had the same bellyache that I used to get whenever I had to go to Hebrew School so, I’ll just assume it hasn’t changed
- Kwong Ming Chinese restaurant: Awesome of course, despite the “critics” who work for the Nassau County Board of Health. I’ve always found the Department of Health’s “Grading System” to be just another bothersome layer of Government bureaucracy. Thanks a lot Michelle Obama!
In addition, I should also mention the following from my youth, that are unfortunately, M.I.A:
- Caruso’s, Delta Diner, Bohack’s, Marty & Joe’s Luncheonette, the 5&10 Store, the North Massapequa Theatre, Grant’s, Jolly Roger’s, oh, forget it, it’s too sad to go on.
I suppose it’s best not to try to look back too much. Nothing can really be as good as the way we want to remember them. All you have to do is bite into a “Twinkie” or watch an episode of “Welcome Back Kotter” and you begin to remember why you stopped enjoying these things in the first place. Perhaps it is just best to remember the “Sweathogs” the way they were….really stupid!
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