Depending on how you look at it, I either live near Albany...or Saratoga Springs. Actually, I'm approximately equidistant from both. When we first moved up to the Capital Region in 1993, we used to say that we were from Albany when people asked us where we were from. Over the past few years, we have amended this claim to state that we live just south of Saratoga Springs. There's nothing wrong with being from Albany mind you, it's just that the name "Albany" doesn't necessarily conjure up the type of imagery that perhaps we wish to convey to those who have the nerve to get "all up in our grill" and ask, "So...where are you from"?
I don't want to say that Albany is a bad place to live, or that it is even deserved of a less than stellar reputation, but sadly, perception is more important than truth. When you mention the name "Albany" what do you in fact think of? It's the state capital, which sounds great, but most state capitals are usually charmless centers of bureaucracy. When was the last time you said to yourself, "Yeah, made it to Sacramento, scratch another off the bucket list". Or, "Montpellier, Vermont, now that's a place to get jiggy wid-it". Or, "Trenton? How much sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll can one man take"? Albany is a place to get a teaching license, a place where you wait in line, a place where you can eat fish out of the Hudson, but not if you're a pregnant woman.
I mean, it's not, that bad?
Now, Saratoga Springs, that's a majestic name. It suggests the charm of Colonial America, regal class, and over-priced drinks. If you tell somebody you're from Saratoga Springs, images of a world steeped in 19th century style and class appear in one's mind. (There's also 19th century diseases such as TB or Cholera that are best left "blotted out" of one's mind) Saratoga Springs evokes fine dining, horse racing in a timeless setting, and high fashion, is it any wonder why the Hoffman's "round-up" geographically when they describe where they can be found?
Nobody is claiming that this is fair, but when you find the scribe that says that "Life is Fair", go stick your head in the toilet because you're probably dreaming. I say this not to be harsh, but more as a cautionary tale. I guess my point is, names matter. So I say this with considerable consternation, parents no longer respect the methods and means in which they name their children. Parents act like they are making some sort of statement when they name a child in today's "look at me" society. (By the way, since I'm part of that society, don't be afraid to check out my past blogs on (hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com) for other examples of my blogging since I'm obviously part of this "me" society, now back to other selfish people) They see it as a time of creativity, not recognizing the fact that what they are really partaking in is nothing short of eternal branding. This I fear has become a near epidemic in our society. They are forever scarring the unborn!
Face it my friends, a name is virtual label. It is a moniker that will shape your children's destiny more than their genetic code. Trust me I know. As a teacher, I've encountered almost every name that can be uttered, or stuck on a vanity license plate.
When I first began teaching in Long Island City, at good old J.H.S. 204, Oliver Wendell Holmes Junior High School, the "Fighting Jurists" as we were known by pretty much....nobody, the United Nations like student body presented me with names that would leave the average New York City cab driver scratching his head in wonderment.
(Holmes in a rare moment of mirth, probably thinking about the time he caught his mustache in a coed's unmentionable's drawer, as he and his fellow future jurists embarked on an impromptu "bloomer" raid.)
The most challenging names to pronounce, for me anyway, were the students of Greek ethnicity. Long Island City borders Astoria, which has slightly more Greeks than Athens. Many of the names had letter progression that appeared on my roster to look something like this: "Khxxzkhhks-apoulos" (Why oh why didn't I pay more attention to my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Klotsas when she was teaching us Greek??? Lord how I hate 11 year old Robbie) Fortunately for me and my limited linguistic skills, the boys in class would allow me to wriggle off the hook and say, "Ah, just call me Gus". Worked for me.
Here in America, your name not only can shape your destiny, it can forge your very identity. Parents, in perhaps a narcissistic attempt to demonstrate their child's individuality as well as their own originality, use their children's future as some sort of demented canvas for their own twisted form of artistic expression. I oppose this or I would at least advise extreme caution. For example let's say you name your child...
- "Bertha" - Expect a silver haired matronly looking "Nana" type with rolled down stockings, hair up in a bun, and a size triple ddd chest, perfect for smothering unsuspecting grandchildren.
- "Sue" - If you're a father, and you allow your baby girl's name to be "Sue", you might want to invest in 'No-Doz", since Sue's a party girl, and you're going to find yourself staying up late many-a-night.
- "Bob" - Go ahead, you'll need someone to buy insurance from one day
- "Patty" (Girl) - Great, when you need someone to spike a volleyball or mash a softball, Patty's your lucky charm
- "Murray" - Someone's got to do your taxes
- "Candy" - Need I even say it???
If you think I'm leaning on cheap stereotypes, consider this. If you're dribbling up court, would you try to thread the needle to Shlomo James? Ready to go to trial with your new attorney...Lebron Greenbaum? Names have to make sense. Dame Edna works... Dame Ethel...not so much. Ave' Maria will bring you to tears, Ave' Gertrude...probably not. If you name your son Paul, he will probably be a musician/song writer, Saul, probably wise and thoughtful, while Jodie will be spunky and fun. You want your kid to be popular, name him "Frankie". People are drawn to a guy they can call out to and yell, "Yo....Frankie!" "Teddy" will meet you at the Yacht Club, while "Seth" will spend most of his time calling Sports Talk Radio from his parents' basement until at least the age of 40 stating how the Mets should trade for Mike Trout in exchange for Wayne Garrett! (Look him up!)
Careful though, because if you're not, The Allman Brothers may call for your "Sweet Melissa", The Beach Boys for your adorable "Barbara Ann", while those tough guys from "The Four Seasons" may try to steal your precious "Sherry"....your "Sherry baby". I know of what I speak, I have to keep close wraps on "Michelle...My Belle"!
Run Melissa....Run!!!
(Associated Press)
Sometimes, an entire enterprise will only attract certain given names. For example, why do so many race car drivers have names like "Terry", or "Bobby", or "Dale". That's a lot of girls' names for such a macho sport. Perhaps they're compensating for something? I know one driver who never had to be made fun of for having a "girly" name. One of my favorite all-time athletes...Dick Trickle! (Sounds like a side effect you can suffer from while taking an anti-depressant)
He seemed like a nice guy, why would his parents do that do him? (AP Photo/Mark Goldman, File)
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