(Editor's note...which once again is me) This is part "deux" of my "groundbreaking" two part series on how I was raised Jewish, started celebrating Christmas, and managed to survive the guilt. Several "big name" producers have already approached me regarding the movie rights, and I've taken several meetings. I don't wish to be one of those "name-droppers', but let's just say a certain Hollywood big-wig, named Steven Spielbird, and one, George Mucas, and if you're looking for artistic integrity, how about a Mr. Seth Grogan, have all expressed interest. No household names yet, but it's a start. In the movie version, I'm thinking....Young Rob, played by Anson Williams (Potise) and middle-aged Rob, well, I think it's obvious, Tom Cruise! Now I know what you're thinking, "C'mon Rob, Tom Cruise? Really?" Hey, I get it, I'm way taller than Tom Cruise, but they say James Cagney used to do his scenes standing on a box, so it could work. Oh, and to play my wife...Linda Carter...circa...1977. Ok, now back to the blog.
Yeah...it could work! (Times Union)
It has become a bit of a cliche' when discussing what Jewish people do on Christmas to say that they go to the movies and eat Chinese food. It's a cliche', but it's actually true. Honestly, other than being a little bored, I don't recall "missing" Christmas when I was a child. Why so bored you ask? Well, I would point out, that in those days, when there were only a few channels on television to choose from, it often came down to The Pope's Mass from the Vatican or on PIX, Channel 11, the "Yule Log". For those of you under 30, the "Yule Log" was literally a log burning in a fireplace, on television, with Christmas music playing. The advertisement used to say, "So c'mon, cozy up to the warmth of the "Yule Log" this Chirstmas Eve"! "Must see TV", indeed!
For many Christians, whose best memories of Christmas are from childhood, it might sound odd that I wouldn't miss Christmas as a child. But, you must understand, it's hard to miss what you've never had. The same holds true in regards to unpleasant experiences. For example, you really don't know how horrible a root canal is until you've experienced it, and trust me, it's pretty awful. As my mother would have said, "I wouldn't wish the pain on Hitler". You know it has to be pretty bad because in my house, we wished everything on Hitler. Goiters, bunions, shingles, 7/10 splits etc...
"Ach! not only do I need a root canal, but I think zis picture makes me look fat."
(Associated Press)
My first experience with Christmas involved being invited to my friend Jimmy's Christmas Eve gathering at his house. I have to say, I thought it was awesome. Plenty of food, drinks, and general pleasantness. My first Christmas Tree however, came courtesy of my then girlfriend, later wife, Michelle. She and her friend wanted to put up a Christmas Tree in their college apartment. I helped them bring it back to their "hovel", and found the first real challenge of getting ready for Christmas, getting a real tree to stand up. Since all we had for trimming was a butter knife, (and I'm guessing since this was college the knife was used and dirty) I did my best to hack the branches off and fit this "tree" inside someone's house. In the time it took to do this, I could have plugged in eight Menorahs. (Get it....eight!)
Having some frivolous fun at college is one thing, celebrating at home, in front of my Jewish parents was a different kettle of gefilte' fish. Our first six years of marriage were spent in an apartment in Flushing, New York. My wife refused to get a real tree until we owned a house, so we were forced to go with the "imitation" tree. The problem was that we didn't have room in our apartment to store the tree, so I had to ask my father if we could store it in his basement. My father proceeded to give me the stink eye to end all stink eyes. It was not unlike the way Nikita Khrushchev eye-balled his tailor after this unfortunate wardrobe choice
C'mon Nikki, every fat guy knows you can drop about 30 lbs if you just untuck your shirt
(AP Photo)
I believe that what my father was saying was, "you know I don't love the whole Christmas thing, and now you're making me aid and abet in its practice.
Fast forward a few years, and the Hoffman's are living in Clifton Park, and they are now proud homeowners. As it would happen, a certain elderly couple, Sy and Janet Hoffman have done what no other senior citizen couple has ever done in their retirement...they've decided to move NORTH! Florida-Shmorlida, my parents in their own demented way found the 8 1/2 month winters of the Capital Region irresistible. Now that we owned a house, my wife had given us the the go-ahead to purchase a real tree. Now that I'd become fully immersed in the Christmas experience, I wanted to be as legit as possible. We weren't just buying a real tree, we were going to go out to Bob's Tree Farm, and cut one down ourselves. Guess who not only decided he had to come with us and experience this Hoffman version of "survivor", but was now expert enough to yell at me the whole time and tell me what I was doing wrong? (Based on his zero years experience celebrating Christmas) My dad had come around. But he had it easy, he had me to guide him. But what of my own evolution? How did I get past my own guilt and become comfortable celebrating a holiday that I had been raised to believe wasn't for me?
Well, marrying a person of the Catholic faith helps. My wife let me know right from the beginning that many things were negotiable, but Christmas wasn't one of them. It wasn't the religious component per se', my wife loves the entire celebratory aspect. The decorations, the "Tree", the food, the gifts, the wrapping of the gifts, scaring the kids when they were little with sleigh bells convincing them it was Santa, in fact other than paying the bills in January, she lives for the whole experience. I certainly wasn't going to stand in the way of all of that, but I have to give her family some of the credit for "converting" me into a fan of the holiday.
Honestly, why would I go through all of this when all I have to do is plug in a Menorah and it's instant Hanukah! (TImes Union)
The first time I went to my future in-laws for Christmas, my mother-in-law, being a good Sicilian was preparing a seafood feast. The only seafood I ingest is a finely canned tuna. My wife gave my future mother-in-law a heads up, and while everybody was eating the seven fishes of the Mediterranean, I was gleefully eating KFC "Nuggets". It was Christmas Eve in a box, and I loved it! The next year, our first as a married couple, one of my wife's ten aunts and uncles had a party, and they couldn't wait to quiz me on what I thought about Christmas. One of her aunts asked how I liked all of this since obviously it was new to me. I said, "Oh, it's no big deal, I've been to lots of parties."
There are some people out there who don't get how a non-believer, be they Jewish, atheist, agnostic, satanic, etc..can celebrate a holiday without attaching any religious significance to it. Some may even be bothered by it. I understand, and I don't mean to offend, but I was definitely moved on a spiritual level the first time my wife made a standing rib roast, and I'm afraid that trumps the pot roast on Rosh Hashanah! God bless us all....everyone...except Hitler.
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