As a teacher, you are sometimes called upon to do a myriad of things. Coaching is probably the most common "extra" that a teacher performs. Experience and expertise are sometimes less then necessary when there is high need and low availability. When we first moved to the capital region, teaching jobs, particularly Social Studies teaching jobs were few and far between. I was lucky enough in the fall of '94 to get a part-time job at Rensselaer High School, where I eventually became full time, and I have been there ever since. But while I was still part time there, I received another part-time gig at Schalmont High School in Rotterdam. (For those of you who are not native to the capital region, Schalmont is an amalgamation of Schenectady, Albany and Montgomery counties...hence "Schalmont". You are now 11% more knowledgable than you were when this posting began)
In order to make myself more marketable, I often when filling out job applications, would write in that I would be willing to coach or advise almost any extra-curricular activity that existed. I didn't burden myself over the issue of whether I was qualified, I just figured, the more I can be of help, the better I would appear to those doing the hiring. While some would call my claims "exaggerated", I found my proclamations of competency to be well within the bounds of common fantasy. "Hmm, let's see. What areas could I coach or advise? Well, I can help out with the "Kick-line", Computer Club, after all, getting a "D" in Computer Science 101 is at least something to crow about, after-all, it meant I knew at least 60% of the material, now where are those damn punch-cards? Oh, here's one I can coach...Ballet Club, I can really rock a tutu...Desmond Tutu....snicker, snicker. snort, snort".
So, you might say I was slightly being mildly dishonest when I wrote on the application that I could coach football. I wasn't concerned since I figured that they had a bunch of teachers lined up for that job anyway. So, imagine my surprise when they told me I was coaching JV Football? Now, like any passionate football fan, who had enjoyed one solid year of Modified football at good old Sylvia Packard Middle school, where I was so valuable to the team, they gave me different numbers for home and away games. (Honestly, how was my family supposed to find me on the sidelines???) I figured I knew more than enough to coach JV Football. Well, it's a lot more complicated than you'd think. First of all, drawing plays with a stick in the dirt is apparently frowned upon. Despite not really knowing anything, and answering most players questions by shrugging my shoulders, until at one point, the players just started saying to me, "You don't really know, do you coach"? Any-who, I along with the other JV coach, did manage two .500 seasons, while the Varsity team went 1-9 both years. You gotta have the horses I always say. I guess I couldn't have been accused of over-coaching. In one game, we were driving for a touchdown late, and we were down by 7. I said to my co-coach, "coach, if we get the touchdown, don't kick the extra point for the tie, let's go for two for the win". I was so full of bravado and pride in the way our team was surging down the field. It was a bit of a comedown when my co-coach reminded me that he would of course go for two, seeing that we didn't have a kicker on the team. Um....if it matters, we lost by a point.
It's really not my fault I was incompetent, you only need a certificate that says you've taken and passed CPR and First Aid Training. This is no great task believe me. They give you that filthy dummy to breathe into and and make you compress its chest. While I was unable to resuscitate the dummy, I did get to 2nd base. (Yeah baby!) They didn't even teach us the Heimlich maneuver, not that I needed it, since I've now used it to save my wife's life twice. Once when we lived in Flushing when she was choking on a pistachio, and just last Sunday while eating pizza. You'd think after saving her life twice, I would have the world as my oyster? "Oh honey, how's 'bout peeling Papa a couple of grapes"? Nothing doing!
I did eventually get a full Coaching certificate, but not until I started coaching bowling at Renssleaer, which I did for several years. The previous coach gave me some excellent advice. He said, "don't let them eat while they bowl, the grease from the pizza and nachos will make the ball slip out of their hands, and don't let them act like ass-holes. If they act like ass-holes, they'll bowl like ass-holes". He was kind of like the Yoda of the Keglers. (Pick up 7-10 split..we must). Most matches consisted of me saying meaningful things like, "nice shot"! or "don't worry, lots of wood up there", or "let's pick-up that 10 pin", or "I think these lanes are a little oily", or "I'm going to get coffee and a bag of pretzels", or "I'm going to take a leak....again" etc... One time, one of our "captains" came up to me to tell me how much he wanted us to win, which sounded great. He said that we had to do something, and then before I could lay a championship caliber cliche' on him like, "we need to close out the 10th frame strong"! he said, "we have to do more, we need to play defense". I looked up from my somewhat stale pretzels and extremely strong coffee and said.."defense"? "What do you propose we do, fling ourselves down the lane?" At that point, he and I both laughed, and he realized we were best served if we could somehow knock down one more pin that those bastards from Catskill. (Or it might have been Chatham or Coxsackie, it really didn't matter)
At the end of the season, we would go to a huge 50 lane bowling alley for sectionals, the big end of the season bowling tournament. Before the all-day match was to start, the lights would go off, the strobe lights would come on, and a Bob Sheppard type would get on the PA, and call the bowlers out to the middle of the lanes. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for our athletes and now, put your hand on your hearts for the playing of "God Bless the USA". Now, call me old-fashioned, call me corny, or just call me a real red-blooded American, but I couldn't hold back the tears when I saw this unfold before my eyes. (It may have had something to do with the Jalapeno poppers I was eating. It should be noted that my main responsibility on that day was to make sure I ordered lunch for the team for halftime. That and watch game-film...lots and lots of game film).
Like all great coaches, I've suffered from a bit of "coaching burnout". I've moved on to a more laid back job, the coach of the Rensselaer High School Masterminds' Team. Masterminds is a bit like "Quiz Bowl" without the "Homo-erotica". (I'm guessing on that last claim since I've never seen "Quiz Bowl"). Since its mostly played by nerds, I've been cleaning up on the lunch money that the "athletes" show up with. They do get free pizza, but I don't let them eat it during the matches. I don't want any of the answers to "slip their mind".
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