In Consideration of my "Fu*k-it" List

A few years ago my wife and our two boys were down in Myrtle Beach along with my wife's sister's family.  We had rented a very nice beach-house, which we had done several times before over the years while our kids were growing up.  Now that the kids were well into their teens,  we all decided that it would be fun to go para-sailing.  For most people, para-sailing has all the thrills and risk of sitting on a park swing.  Cab rides through the city offered more chills and spills then the risks involved in the average duration of an uneventful ride spent para-sailing.  In fact, other than the risk one runs from a significant wedgie, there is virtually no risk involved in  para-sailing.  But for me, para-sailing was wrought with danger.  I hate heights, I always have.  I don't like ladders, roofs, trees, or standing in platform shoes. (The latter significantly retarded my attempts to boogie in local discos in the turbulent yet devil-may-care '70s.)

Despite my issue with heights, para-sailing was definitely something I had always wanted to try.  Since everyone in both families was going to do it, I felt that this was my best opportunity.  Nobody wants to look like a weenie in front of their kids.  I almost went para-sailing on my honeymoon, but I chickened out.  This time, I was not going to be defeated by my fears. (It should be noted that my fears had accumulated quite an impressive winning streak against me that had dated back practically throughout my entire life.)  I'm not sure what convinced me that this was the time to try something  that was so foreign to my character., but a few years ago, a movie came out called "The Bucket List", which talked about older men who knew they were dying and  had a list of things that they wanted to accomplish before the end.  A lot of people started referring to their bucket list whenever they did something that they always wanted to do.   Was this my inspiration?  It got me thinking, do I have a list of things that I wish to achieve before the end?  Well, in all honesty....no.  I do however have a lot of fears, and so perhaps what I really need is a "fu*k-it" list.  A list of things I would do once I've convinced myself that it simply no longer matters.

Fear causes us to miss so much of our lives.  When I was 10 years old, my father took me to Disney World.  It was a great time and a priceless memory, but there was one small issue that gnawed at me for years.  My father, who also was afraid of heights, and most other things, loved roller-coasters.  For a guy who wasn't exactly Evil Knievel, he liked the thrill of the roller-coaster.  So he asked me and in fact begged me to go on Space Mountain with him.  The problem was, my brother Dave had been down in Disney World right before us, and told me how there were signs saying, "If you have a heart condition, you shouldn't go on this ride", and other such warnings.  That was all I needed to hear.  As much as it disappointed my Dad, nobody was dragging my chubby-ass on to that ride.

Fast-Forward many years, and I'm on my way back to Disney World, but this time with my wife.  Once again, the subject of going on Space Mountain comes up shortly before we leave while we are out with our friends.  I of course play the role I was born to play...."The Pussy", and reiterate that I'm not going on any such ride.  My good friend Scott D. from high school chimes in with a simple yet powerful message.  "Hoff", he says "you have to conquer your fears".  It's not exactly "I have a Dream", but its brilliance is in its simplicity.  I went on Space Mountain, and felt at least for one 2 and one-half minute burst, that I could face down my enemy.....me!

A "Fu*k-it" list isn't only about conquering your fears.  It's also a list of things you do because, well, your just don't give a fu*k.  I'm not there yet, but I think at some point in the next 10 years, I'm going to start doing the following:

1. Going to Burger King.  I don't go near the place because it's so bad for you.  But I love their marketing ploy. "For when you've given up trying to look human!"
2. Sandals with socks.  It's the most comfortable thing in the world, but someone in my house (ahem) won't let me out when I'm rocking that look.
3. Sitting around watching re-runs of "Wonder Woman".  Me likey Linda Carter!
4. Eating cake icing and Pie Crust.  Interestingly, I find that the only true purpose of cake is to hold icing, while pie filling is simply an impediment to the crust.
5. Growing mutton chops.  I would actually like to bring back my mullet.  However it's hard when you're speeding towards bald.  You can't have business in the front and party in the back when the front is closed for business.  The "chops" though is an unrealized dream. When I was a child, I attended day-camp at  the Mid-Island-Y or "Young man's Hebrew association", most of the counselors had big mutton chop side-burns.  I thought they  were the coolest things ever.  Oh, if I could only look like Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken from Slap Shot.  Unfortunately, by the time I could actually grow sideburns, the "Chops" had become horribly out of fashion.  However, once you don't give a Fu*k, it no longer matters.

So, if you see a man chowing down on a double-whopper with cheese, while wearing sandals with socks, watching reruns of "Wonder Woman", and washing it down with some vanilla cake icing on oreos, pausing only to groom his mutton chops and semi-mullet, just leave him be.  He knows what he's doing.

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