It's been said that the last good Jewish carpenter was Jesus. Like most tough guys, he was a bit of a "Momma's boy", probably compensating for a "Dad" who wasn't "around", if you know what I mean. But be that as it may, whether it's because I'm Jewish, or because I have terrible small motor skills, or simply because my father couldn't fix or build things, I can't do anything mechanical. I mean nothing. When I try to fix, or build or assemble something, it's always a catastrophe. I usually damage whatever project I'm supposed to be fixing or building, as well as any surrounding parts of the house that "get in the way". I usually end up breaking at least part of what I bought, and it never looks like it's supposed to when I've finished putting it together. "Is that a bird-feeder or a hot tub"? Well it's neither, and it's assured not to work...whatever it was I was building?
I try not to be jealous of what other people have, be it skills, money, whatever. But if I could have one skill, it would be to have the coordination/patience to be one of those guys who can, oh I don't know...put in a new floor, replace shingles on the roof, change the oil, put up shelves, use a chainsaw in a way that doesn't fill neighbors with a combined sense of comedy and tragedy. In other words, I wish I was one of those handy guys. However, I fear it shall never come to pass. And lets face it, as I get older, I don't see it getting better. Nobody ever says, "gee, now that I'm 70, not only do I have more patience, but my eyesight is keener, and the strength in my hands has never been more evident".
Unlike my father, my father-in-law was as handy as can be. He could build a shed, install a tub, work on his truck, kick-ass in a bar fight, you know, like a real man. He once told me proudly, "I never started any trouble, but I finished it once it came my way". Now that's a real man. He would think nothing of saying, "Yeah, after breakfast I'm going to rip up the bathroom and put in a new tub". Rip up the bathroom??? What does that even mean? How do you rip up a bathroom? Do you pull the floors up? What do you walk on?? When I put up a new shower head, I strutted around the house in my denim short-shorts like the guy on the Brawny package...proud, sturdy, ass-cheeks....barely covered, etc.. I actually learned a lot from my father-in-law. In my most manly moment, he took me out to shoot a gun for the first and only time in my life. We went out in his pickup (of course) and he grabbed his .22 rifle, an empty can of Planters Cheese Balls, and an empty can of tuna. He took me out to the woods of western New York, we parked the truck, and then he gave me two simple yet vital instructions. He said, "alright, here's the gun, now there's two rules. Don't point the gun at me, and don't point it at my truck". It seemed like a reasonable request, so I acquiesced. He put the tuna can up in the tree, and to my pleasant surprise, I actually hit it. Testosterone surged through my pulsating member as I pumped my powerful weapon repeatedly, and then I...whoa, wait a second, heh heh, lost my mind there for a second, but anyway, it was fun.
I think a great deal of my shortcomings comes from very poor small motor skills. A couple of years ago, I decided I was going to learn to play guitar, so I decided to start taking lessons. After a few months went by, the gentleman who was giving me lessons was watching me try to form a bar chord, and he said to me, "excuse me Rob, I don't mean to be insulting, but did you suffer an injury to your hands as a child?" Despite my best efforts, I gave up after about two years, never having successfully played a single song that sounded like...a song.
Despite my limitations, I do enjoy a good power tool. When our kids were young, we used to go out to the woods and chop down our Christmas tree. As a jewish person who never had a tree growing up, I brought all the expertise to the task of an aardvark doing calculus. We brought the tree home, and despite everything I tried, I couldn't get the tree to stand up since the bottom was not straight thanks to my inability to saw it properly. I preceded to fire up my gas powered chain saw, and in our living room, I sawed the bottom down nice and straight. With the smell of gas and holly in the air, shards of wood in all the couch cushions, our tree, surely the finest tree in all London (and Clifton Park) would indeed....stand up! God bless us all......everyone.
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