Neutral....like Switzerland!

My father was a man of passionate opinions.  He felt very strongly about the things he felt, well, very strongly about.  There was very little room for gray in his black and white universe.  Perhaps it was because he was an accountant, and he needed all of his little columns to add up on his ledger sheets.  It could be that it was his way of making sense of the world thereby keeping his life simple.  Or, maybe, it was because he was out of his freaking mind!!  Exhibit A: My father hated the Dallas Cowboys the way fat kids at the beach hate crotch rot.  (Crotch rot, it should be noted, is the 6th leading cause of chafing)  Now, the amateur sleuth would deduce, that as a Giants fan, my father naturally hated the Cowboys, the Giants' rival and chief tormentor during most of the 1960s and '70s.  But it ran much deeper than that.  Dallas, as my father was to explain many times, killed Kennedy. "The whole city Dad"????  "Yup"!  I'm pretty sure my father believed that Tom Landry was on the Grassy Knoll.

 Exhibit "B" is even more convoluted so pay attention.  As I've already mentioned, he was a huge New York Giants fan.  But the Giants moved to dreaded New Jersey in 1976, while at the same time, the Hoffman family scored season tickets to the New York Jets.  The path forward was now clear.  The Jets were the team, and the Giants...the traitors, could go "suck it" in the swamps of East Rutherford.  Fast forward a few years, and low and behold, the Jets decide that the pastures were indeed greener in the Meadowlands.  Does my father disown his beloved Jets and swear his allegiance to the now only true New York team...the Buffalo Bills?  Uh no.  It would seem, in my father's eyes anyway, that while the Jets were now indeed playing their home games in New Jersey, it wasn't their fault, it was the Giants' fault for luring them there, as if the Giants were offering the Jets candy from a windowless van.

However, if we are to put my father's idiosyncrasies aside, I believe he was on to something.  Much like Columbus, Jefferson, and Doc Brown (the guy from Back to the Future, not the soda innovator) , my father was ahead of his time.  I believe that despite the best efforts of Switzerland and referees everywhere, no matter what the situation, it is impossible not to take sides. It is innately human to look at a situation, weigh the options, and then find yourself pulling in some manner for someone or something to emerge victorious.  Why is this so?  Why can't we look at choices and just say, yeah, either one is okay.  And of course, it's not just that we like something, we feel personally affronted if someone rejects what we like.  Have you ever told somebody you like a movie, or a restaurant, or a team, and they say something along the lines of, "ugh, that sucks".  We feel that our entire value system has been assaulted.  The things we like are an extension of who we are.  When people reject what we like, they are rejecting us.  "If you don't like "Breaking Bad", then you can't possibly like me!"

It's very hard to imagine the scenario where the possibility to take sides doesn't exist. The list is practically endless:

• Chocolate vs. Vanilla - Statistics tell us that Vanilla is much more popular, Vanilla is light and delicate, Chocolate is slovenly and sloth-like.   
• Abbott vs. Costello - Just once, we all wanted to see Costello slap Abbott, it would have been a victory for fat guys everywhere.
• Yankees vs. Mets - The Yankees  are cold and analytical, they actually expect to win games and be competitive.  The Mets are happy to have hope for the future.  For example, their upper management hasn't been taken in a Pyramid Scheme in over 4 years.  Let's go Mets!
• Democrats vs. Republicans - One has balls but no values, the other has values but no balls.  Can you guess which?
• Corn beef vs. Pastrami - They're both fatty and salty, and go great with mustard, but somehow, they are as different kishkas and kreplachs.

I can keep going.  Tigers vs. Lions....Jello vs. Pudding...Beards vs. Mustaches...Oscar vs. Felix...Firemen vs. Cops... Al Qaida vs. ISIS...James Buchanan vs. Andrew Johnson...Playboy vs. Penthouse...Juggs vs. Hustler, c'mon, I'm just scratching the surface...peas vs. carrots, bees vs. wasps, ketchup vs. mustard, sausage vs. bacon, burgers vs. hot dogs, boxers vs. briefs, and on and on. Everyone of your choices in those pairings says something about you as a person.  For instance, if I see somebody eat their hot dog with ketchup, I immediately form a negative opinion about that person.  "Look at 'em, what's he trying to prove?  He's one of those guys who thinks it's fun and care free to eat a hot dog with ketchup...oh look at me, I don't live by someone else's rules, I'm a hippee who's unconventional, who's not going to let the man tell me what to do....is what I'd be thinking".

  Everything in this world has a natural rival, and we, despite our protests and reservations can't help but get sucked in to the debates.  So, to make life simple and allow us all to get back to our exciting breakneck existence, here's how I see it:
You're either a Vanilla Ice Cream eating,  Republican, Yankee/New York Giants fan, who likes your Corn Beef while Abbot slaps Costello around, or you are a Mets/Jets fan, Chocolate Ice Cream eating Democrat who like Costello, can understand how difficult it can be to figure out just who, is on first?  And getting slapped isn't going to make it any easier for you to understand.  Now go and enjoy your Pastrami!