Gluttony…. sweet, sweet gluttony.

As I’ve stated many times, I love living in the Capital Region.  I was born in New York City,  and raised on Long Island, and I of course miss my family, but I have never once thought about moving back.  With that said, there are things that I miss.  It has also been well-established that most of the things I miss about downstate living, revolve around food.  There are the standard foods that one always associates with downstate dining: Bagels, Pizza, Chinese Food, and Kosher Deli.  Many of these foods are available in this area, and some of them are very good. There are many good pizza places, as well as a few good Chinese restaurants.  (Not the Chinese buffets, those are gluttonous in a bad way, and the food may not be receiving proper protection from the sneeze-guard)  Price Chopper bagels are good, but other than that, most of the bagels in the area are sub par.  (Bread with a hole in it is not a bagel.  By the way,  Downstate New Yorker’s will tell you that the difference is in the water)  As for Jewish or Kosher Deli, I”ve yet to find anything that touches “Katz” on the Lower East Side or “Ben’s” in Rego Park.

Katz’ Baby! Come for the Pastrami…stay for the Angioplasty! (Associated Press)

I don’t mean to whine about all of this, we don’t live so far from New York City/Long Island that we can’t all treat ourselves to some high caloric silliness.  I would also point out that we have a ton of good restaurants up here, particularly our Italian restaurants.  I will say, that unfortunately, my favorite one, “Villa Valente” burned down which saddened me.

Oh my sweet lord…Villa Valenti…I weep for thee! (Times Union)

One type of restaurant that I feel we should have more of, are top-notch steakhouses.  Most major cities have some of the high-end chains such as Ruth Chris, Morton’s, or Smith & Wollensky’s.  Here in the Capital Region we do have Angelo’s 677 Prime which isn’t bad.  I am a fan of most of the “Angelo fleet” of restaurants, and in fairness I’ve only eaten one meal at 677 Prime.  I will tell  you though, it was a bit of a disappointment considering the price.  But I will eventually give it another try.  At any rate, neither 677 Prime,  nor any of the above mentioned chains can hold a candle to the world-famous Peter Luger’s.  Peter Luger’s can be found in two locations,  the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn and Great Neck. The Peter Luger’s in Great Neck is located just a stone’s throw from Leonard’s of Great Neck, where some of the sexiest couples of the 1980s got “hitched”.

If it was good enough for “Johnny Sac’s” daughter on the “Sopranos”, it was certainly good enough for the Hoffman’s! (Times Union)

Leonard’s of Great Neck, I should add, is such a huge ‘Wedding Factory” that there was another Hoffman wedding right next to ours, and somehow the paperwork got mixed up, and my bride-to-be “accidentally” signed the wrong wedding license.  Basically, what this means is that my wife has been married twice!  But at least she got it right the second time.

Peter Luger’s is an eating orgy, and in a good way. (No awkward moments afterwards like after a real orgy…so I’ve heard)  You don’t have to trust me either on this, they’ve been chronicled on the Travel Channel’s “Steak Paradise”.  ”Luger’s” is a man’s steakhouse…for men.  It is a meal without compromise.  There are no allusions to cholesterol, high blood pressure, arterial blockage, type 2 diabetes, or “late-night Meat Sweats”.  (Meat-Sweats are the 3rd leading cause of perspiration)  The waiters are all men,  and they push meat, side-dishes and dessert with a vim and vigor that would be the envy of any big-city crack dealer.  If you point anywhere on the menu within the vicinity of the steamed brocoli, they publicly ridicule you.  (Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone order the brocoli, so I’m not 100% convinced it actually exists, much the way “Diner” menus have about 1000 items, but only really carry eggs and burgers.)

Established in 1887, President Grover Cleveland may have walked through these very famed doors….or not, I haven’t quite made it through his memoirs. (Peter Lugar’s)

The menu is not all that extensive.  It’s basically steak, with a side order of steak.  There aren’t even that many types of cuts available, it’s basically “Porterhouse” and “rib-steak”.  The appetizers and bread basket are delights all onto themselves.  The popular  appetizers are the hugely sliced tomatoes and onions, served with Peter Luger’s sauce.  The other must-have is the THICK sliced bacon.  You will never look at bacon the same way again.   (The bread basket contains salt-sticks, onion rolls, and other crispy on the outside, doughy on the inside creations.)  My friend Chris who was with us this past Saturday is a “Luger-ologist”.  In what might be the greatest innovation since the lightbulb,  he invented  a course in between the appetizer and dinner.  He ordered a “round” of lamb-chops.  (Somewhere, Shari Lewis was weeping)  I’ve never had a lamb-chop as an “intermezzo” before, but my idea of what it means to have one’s palate’ cleansed has forever been altered. By the way, the first time I ever had or heard of an “intermezzo” was in Orlando with my wife on a trip to Disneyworld.  I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why they were serving me sherbert before my main course?

(“You Baaaaaaaastards”!)  (Getty Images)

The enormous Porterhouse steaks are served family style.  What makes them so awesome?  They have been “dry-aged”. (Much the way Andrew Jackson’s face was,  or as he was better known “old hickory”) I’m not sure how long they dry age them for, but I think it’s about 20 years…or one month maybe, who knows?  All I know is, they are without parallel!  You know the difference between a really good steakhouse and a steakhouse trying to get by on shtick?  At “Outback”, they give you a giant knife as if you are going to stalk your prey before you eat it. (Also so you can say when your get your knife at an Australian themed restaurant, “Now that’s a knife”!)  Luger’s gives you a regular size steak knife because they know their meat cuts like…..”butter”!

As they used to say at the Jet games when they played the National Anthem: Take you hats off and show a little respect, this isn’t Communist Russia!” (Peter Luger’s)

The side dishes almost outshine the main course.  The standards are the creamed spinach, the German fried potatoes, and the fried onion rings.  As you’re chowing down on this testosterone fueled extravagance, you can feel yourself being transported back to a simpler time.  Before you know it, you’ll extolling the virtues of the Titanic, and how it will become the standard for all cruise ships in the future based on its inability to be sunk.  (Editor’s note, for three and three-quarter days, the Titanic was true to its reputation and stayed remarkably well afloat.  After that…not so much.)

“I do say old boy, this is a meal fit for President Taft! A fine fellow and a vision of health. He must be,  look at his corpulence.” (Getty Images)

Finally there is desert, and the “Piece of resistance” is a beautiful creation known affectionately as “Schlag”.  ”Schlag” is whipped cream, and it comes in a huge bowl.  You can put it on any of their fine desserts, or just stick your face in it and think happy thoughts.  But it caps the meal in a way oh so profound.

I will warn you, Luger’s isn’t cheap by any stretch.  But you will never walk out feeling less than satisfied.  But to make sure you get the most out of your experience, here’s some helpful tips:

1. Wear your fattest pants.  If you’re a size “36″, invest in a “44″.  You won’t be sorry.
2. Don’t eat steak for three days before or after Luger’s.  You’ll only upset yourself
3. Eat the “Schalg”, no matter how full you are.  Bowls of homemade whipped cream aren’t falling off trees.
4. Don’t argue with the waiter.  He’s going to bring you whatever he feels like anyway, so why waste the energy talking when you could be chewing?

Finally, when you get your coffee with dessert, (To mush the meal down as my wife likes to say) remember to ask for “Sweet ‘n’ Low”, instead of sugar.  You don’t want people to think you’re some sort of “Chaza”, (Yiddish for pig) do you?

Cuomo and Christie: schoolyard bullies?

We are a fortunate group here in the Northeast, aren’t we?  Whether you live in New York State, or the “Garden State” of New Jersey, you get a Governor who will figuratively take your lunch money and then explain to you why it’s your fault, and that you were actually asking for it.  Andrew “Because I said so” Cuomo, and Chris “Crisco” Christie, opposite sides of the political aisle perhaps, but in many ways fraternal twins in their makeup, attitude, and approach.  Let’s just say this, if you went into the boys room in high school, and Christie and Cuomo followed in behind you,  you were probably heading for a “swirly” at the most, and extraction of your lunch money at the least!

Cuomo and Christie, about to extricate the collective “lunch money” from the New York State and New Jersey state legislatures. (Associated Press)

Chris Christie is a fascinating fellow.  The thing that made him popular enough to be considered a serious candidate for the Presidency, his brutish, “tell it like it is” style, is also the part of his personality that people hate about him the most.  (Much the way people feel about my razor sharp wit)  Christie’s bold “in your face” approach that he employs when dealing with the media, protesters, teachers, hippies, and those who don’t love Bruce Springsteen consists of using intimidation and insults to cower these inconvenient enemies into silence.  Whether this will work on the national stage is hard to say, but it propelled him to two easy victories in his run for the Governorship of New Jersey.  He did however run into a little trouble shortly after the election of 2013.  Apparently some of his over-zealous aides were angry at the Democratic Mayor of Fort Lee for not endorsing “Crisco”.  They decided to shut down a couple of entrance lanes onto the busiest bridge in America, the George Washington Bridge.  Chrisie denies any wrongdoing, and so far he hasn’t been charged with anything, but it did bring into question his “bullying” style.  One of the individuals involved was a long time loyalist of Christie’s named David Wildstein.  Wildstein claimed that he and Christie had a relationship that went all the way back to high school.  Christie however, tried to create some space between himself and Wildstein.  As you watch this, I dare you to try not to think of every guy in high school that you hated:

The Colbert Report
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(It is so indicative of Christie’s style that instead of simply stating that he had no memory of Wildstein, he  instead felt the need to recite his list of High School “achievements” from his college application form.)

If you need more convincing of Christie’s true nature, consider this.  The guy who grew up in New Jersey, the man who portrays  himself as  being “Mr. New Jersey”,  is a life-long Dallas Cowboys’ fan.  That is beyond sacrilege.  He lives in a state where two teams play including the Cowboys’ arch-rival, the New York Giants.  Also, keep this in mind.  He’s in his 50s, which means that when he was young and formulating his opinions, the Jets and Giants were terrible.  So what’s a band-wagoner  to do?  You root for the most successful team of the time.  The Dallas Cowboys.  Character, reveal thyself!

Have two people ever deserved each other more?  (Times Union)

Andrew Cuomo is a much bigger disappointment to me.  I was a huge fan of his father,  Mario Cuomo, a three-time Governor of New York from 1982-1994.  Mario Cuomo was a rarity in politics, a humble civil-servant, with a poetic command of the English language.  I actually met Andrew Cuomo at a Democratic fundraiser in Ballston Spa, when he was running for Attorney General.  He was very friendly and engaging and I was happy to vote for him for “AG” as well as  when he ran for Governor in 2010.  It seemed however, that right from the beginning, he was already running for President.  Cuomo like Christie applied a “take no prisoners” approach, often “ticking off” a lot of his core constituency, particularly teachers.

Now, the idea that bad teachers should be protected no matter what, is not a position I endorse, despite the fact that not only am I a teacher, I’m a former local Union President in my school district. Cuomo’s position that students should achieve, and that incompetent teachers should be fired isn’t unreasonable by any stretch.  Let’s face it, there are bad cops, firemen, lawyers, and Native American Chiefs, why wouldn’t there be bad teachers, and why shouldn’t a district have the ability to replace them?  However, like anything else in our world, it’s not that simple.

“I believe I could fit all of the good teachers in this state right between my hands.”
(Times Union)

Cuomo, either to cozy up to the Republicans in the New York State Senate, or to the wealthy Wall Street corporations who run Charter Schools, or to simply make  it appear that  he’s not beholden to the Teacher’s Union for an eventual run on the national stage,  has made it his mission to go after teachers.  The hammer he yielded in this attempt was called “Common Core”.  Common Core is simply a new approach to learning, where students are asked and expected to think and read critically.  There is less reliance on finding the facts, and more emphasis on the “how and why” involved in answering questions, particularly in the fields of English and Math.  Again, there is nothing wrong with this.  Teaching critical thinking skills should allow our students to compete in the increasingly demanding world of business and technology.  The problem was, that Cuomo was so hell-bent on going after teachers, that he forced the roll out of Common Core based exams before teacher’s had a chance to be properly trained.  Why would he do such a thing?   Well, it would allow him to use the lower student test scores as a tool in which he could now begin the firing of teachers.

Common Core was stopped in its tracks as soon as Suburban Mom’s saw that their little Einsteins were getting significantly lower scores, derailing Cuomo’s “Higher Standards”. (Associated Press)

Cuomo began his “mission” during one of his “State of the State” addresses.  He proclaimed himself the “advocate for children”, since parents, teachers, and School Boards all had their own advocates.  Cuomo made the type of mistake that all people who know nothing about  public education make.  He believed that if you do something hurtful to teachers, somehow students will benefit from this.  Under the threat of losing funding (Gee, I wonder who that would hurt if a district lost its funding) school districts put through Teacher Evaluation plans.  Guess what, most teachers were deemed to be just fine.  Cuomo said, “not good enough”.  But before he could do anymore damage, the 2014 election arrived, and he found himself on the defensive as parents began removing their children from these tests, thereby putting a wrinkle into the whole system.  The criticism of Cuomo became intense.  In order to show that he cared about education, and wasn’t just trying to hurt teachers, he released this little piece of propaganda:

You can see what the ad says, but he just vetoed his own bill which would have disregarded Common Core scores for two years. It was his bill! (TImes Union)

In the advertisement, Cuomo says that he believes that the best teacher is still the parent, working with their child at the kitchen table.  Well of course, it worked on “Leave it to Beaver”, why doesn’t it work today?  Since all children come from middle to upper middle class homes with a mother and father living together and happily married, a teacher’s job has never been easier.  Except, how many of our students, in Buffalo, Albany, New York City, Jamestown, Syracuse, Rochester, Roosevelt etc…come from this type of home?  If you’re a teacher, and you’ve taught in Schenectady and Niskayuna, would you say those experiences are identical?  Cuomo refuses to acknowledge such differences, and is simply looking to break what he calls the “monopoly” held by public schools.  That’s some monopoly.  It’s the equivalent of putting up two flea-bag Hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean and collecting 200$ each time the “doggie” lands on it.

“Gee, it’s great to know that if I don’t get this common core math question, my Dad will actually be HOME to sit patiently at the kitchen table with me. This way, this uncaring teacher won’t stunt my chances of being successful.” (Associated Press)

I think that when you are evaluating Christie and Cuomo, it pretty much comes down to this.  There are certain people in this world who can only interact with others if they carry the “hammer”.  If they know they have the upper hand, then they can deal with the people around them.  If not, then they don’t know what to do with themselves.  You can tell this by the way they both attempt to bully the media.  Wouldn’t it be interesting to get the opportunity to see  both of these politicians with their guard down?  It would be nice if we could ask them one question.  ”When you thought about running for Governor, why did you want the job?”  I wonder if they thought they would do great things and make a difference and help people.  Instead, they seem more interested in cozying up to their rich friends and settling political scores.  Since they’re politicians, we’ll never know.

P.S. – Hey, big shout out to New York State Assembly Speaker, Sheldon Silver for being arrested on corruption and bribery charges.  He has certainly proven once and for all, he is in every way, a match for Joe Bruno!

I coughed up a lung…at the movies.

My wife and I recently attended the movies.  I did this despite the fact that our financial advisor…advised against. it.  He said that if you wish to stay “liquid”,  you can’t afford a six dollar diet coke, even if it is a jumbo size 64 ounce cup.  According to my urologist, 64 ounces of diet coke is just enough soda to keep me catheterized for the better part of the year.

“Sir, for a dollar more, you can literally own a lifetime supply of popcorn and soda.”  (Getty Images)

It isn’t just the “enormo” size popcorn and soda that has changed the movie going experience .  In fact, when you think about it, movie going is a form of entertainment that has evolved perhaps more than any other over the past 100 years.

Movie watching began as an experience one did in isolation.  You put a nickel into a machine known as…you guessed it, a “Nickelodeon”.  You hunched over and turned a crank and watched classics like “Horse Galloping” and “Woman Sitting on a Bench”. (Spoiler alert, she gets off the bench at the end) “Nickelodeon’s” were also small movie houses where one could view silent movies.   Movies were in glorious black and white and they were of course silent.  (I wonder if people still “shushed” people in silent movie theatres?)  In the glory days of the silent movie, many movie houses had a piano player to accompany the film.  People would get dressed up for a night on the town, enjoying the antics of Charlie Chaplain, Lillian Gish, and Clara Bow, the “it” girl.  (Based on her reported promiscuous ways, the “it” that Clara Bow contained was probably “the clap”.)

“I didn’t care for the plot, but the effects were sick!”  (Times Union)

Once the talkies arrived, movies became a way to escape the drudgery of the “Great Depression”.  Movies also became the place where parents could send their children on a Saturday afternoon, and for less than a dollar, keep them entertained and out of their hair.  People of my parent’s generation (Born in the 1920s) could go to the movies on a Saturday, see several cartoons, Movietone News, a few “serials” such as the “Lone Ranger”, or “Batman”, or “Flash Gordon”, and then a double-feature.  In addition,  they could get popcorn and soda.  This was all done unsupervised by the way.  I would also like to point out to the “helicopter” parents out there, that despite having absolutely no parental supervision, well over 60% of these children made it back home safely….often on the same day!

Movies in the 1930s and ’40s were still mostly in black and white, and of course there was no blood, nudity or cursing.  As for sex, it was only implied.  Most couples were shown in separate beds, and thanks to the Hayes Commission, they always had to keep at least one foot on the floor when they were in bed.  Anatomically, this would have made for an excellent contraceptive, since I think those limitations would constitute a “deal-breaker”.   If you were being led into believing that sex had actually occurred, they would show the man and woman immediately fully clothed in the next scene as they did in “Casablanca” after Rick and Elsa supposedly had torrid sex.

“But how did you get your suit back on so fast”?
“I have a little trick…I never took it off”. (Times Union

When I was growing up in the 1970s, the local theatre was called the North Massapequa Theatre.  It wasn’t what you would call “pristine”.  Even as a child, I remember the floor was incredibly sticky.  I’m pretty sure that if you ever fell face first, they would have had to scrape you up with a spatula.  For a long time, going to the movies was like having a license to litter.  It was part of the experience.  Once the movie was over, you stuck the popcorn bag and the soda under your chair as if there was a magic garbage chute that would store and dispose of all consumer waste.  The sharply dressed ushers with their bow-ties and high-tech flashlights probably didn’t see the situation quite the same.  I often wondered why people who swept up popcorn and ripped tickets had to wear a bow tie and vest as if they were photographers at a gaudy 70s era Bar Mitzvah.

“Tickets please”? “I hope to parlay this look into the lucrative field of Bar Mitzvah photography”! (Getty Images)

As a teenager in the late 1970s and early ’80s, going to the movies became a regular pastime for my friends and I.  It usually started with a trip to “7-11″ where we would wait outside and keep a vigil looking for somebody who would buy us beer.  They had to be older, but not too old.  They needed to look cool, but not too cool.  Finally, they needed to look a little drunk…but not too drunk.  If one of my  older brother’s friends were to show up while we were there, that constituted a “jackpot”!  A sure thing!

“Excuse me sir…could you buy a six-pack for me, and six-packs for nine of my friends please?” (Getty Images)

We would then hike down all the way from Jerusalem Avenue in North Massapequa to the “Mid-Island Theatre” in Bethpage.  The great thing about the “Mid-Island Theater” in Bethpage was that in 1979, the cost of a movie ticket was 79 cents.  On New Year’s Day, 1980, the cost went up to 80 cents a ticket.  Thanks to these prices, my buddies and I were able to view such classics as “Friday the 13th,” (parts 1-3)   “Halloween,” (parts 1 and 2) “Death Wish,” ( part 2) and “”Caddyshack”.  (Definitely not part 2!)  Great pieces of art like these can only be described in one word, “Cinematifique”!

“Curses, why do I always move my vulnerable family into neighborhoods where the punk to middle aged Dad ratio is so damn high?!? (Getty Images)

Today of course, movie’s are high tech, big budget, and very, very LOUD!  My wife and I went to see “Interstellar” in “RPX”.  The music was so loud, we couldn’t hear the dialogue.  Not only that, it was much more expensive.  I paid more to hear less!  I know I sound like an old man, but hey, is it asking too much to hear what the actors are actually saying?  (And while we’re on the subject, why isn’t the soup ever hot enough?)  Many movies today are done in “3-D”.  This means I have to wear glasses on my glasses.  That’s not known in the world of fashion as a “hot look”!  Hear’s a sentence people who wear “3-D” glasses over their regular glasses are not likely to hear during this millennium: “Hey six-eyes, how’s about coming to my place for some hot action?”

“You boys see the way those dames are checking us out?” (Associated Press)

More disturbing than the outrageous high prices for tickets, soda, and popcorn, more bothersome than the 30 minutes of previews, worse than the fact that most movies seem to last two and a half hours minimum, is the fact that leaving your trash behind is no longer acceptable.  I actually have to throw out my trash.  What is this, Stalinist Russia?

“Comrades…make sure you purge trash, or I will purge you.” (Associated Press)

Many people are fighting back.  They bring their own candy and drinks into the theater to fight back against the high prices.  On this front, my nephew  has emerged as my newest hero.  He took “food smuggling” to a championship level.  He smuggled Chinese food into a movie.  I’m not sure the people next to him appreciated it though.  Apparently he was slurping his soup so loud, the gentleman behind him could barely focus on his texting.  While lo-mein with your chopsticks may not be easy or convenient in a Movie Theater, there is one benefit that cannot be denied.  You can throw your spare ribs on the floor!  Your move…cine-plex.

I utterly reject Arnold Horshack

The other night, my wife and I stumbled upon a local cable channel broadcasting out of Albany.   The classic sitcom “Cheers” was on, and within a few seconds I found myself laughing.  I was not surprised since it had always been one of my favorite all-time programs.  Over the summer, my youngest son, showing great determination and resolve (and thanks to the binge-viewing magic that is Netflix) watched every single episode of “Cheers” from beginning to end.  (I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there were a lot of those shows made.  This wasn’t some 8 episode arc we’re talking about.  We’re talking 27 episode seasons for eleven seasons.)  As any good parent would, I tried to supervise this adventure into sitcom abyss.  It was well worth the “sacrifice”, as I found myself laughing out loud often.   It held up very well even though some of the shows were over 30 years old.

“Telephone call for Ernie Pantusso”.
“That’s you coach”
“Oh sorry, hello”.
(Getty Images)

Anyway, whilst still basking in the greatness of “Cheers”, the station advertised that “Welcome Back Kotter” was up next .  My wife and I said, “ok, for the sake of curiosity we have to at least check it out.”  Saying “Welcome Back Kotter” looked, sounded, and felt dated, is like saying the Chicago Cubs, who haven’t won a World Series in 107 years, are in a rebuilding phase.  The poor Cubs haven’t even been to a World Series since 1945, and two things should be kept in mind regarding that fleeting bit of glory:

1. Their 1945 National League Championship came against “has-been’s” and “never-were’s” since all of the good major league players were fighting in World War Two
2. They haven’t been to a World Series since Jackie Robinson integrated Major League Baseball.  I’m not sure if this constitutes “cause and effect”, or coincidence.  It might be correlation, but I don’t have the time, energy, desire, or ability (a.k.a..intelligence) to study this phenomena further.

Gabby Hartnett, whose  ”Homer in the gloamin” helped propel the Cubbies to their last World Series” appearance. Which they lost. (Getty Images)

As my wife and I suffered through what had to be the longest 10 minutes in sitcom history, we watched those infamous “cut-ups”,  Arnold Horshack, Vinnie Barberino, Juan Epstein, and Freddy “Boom-Boom” Washington perform their overdone “schtick” to the studio audiences’ delight. (True bedlam broke out in the audience for a younger, head full o’ hair, pre-scientology’d John Travolta) As this dreadful scene unfolded before us,  it occurred to me that I used to live for this show.  I mean, you didn’t miss “Welcome Back Kotter”, when it first hit the airwaves.  You would sit there and laugh, and imagine yourself as one of the “Sweathogs”.  (“Hey Mom, am I more like Juan Epstein or Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington”?  ”Robbie!  Did you do your homework?”)  Is this true for many of our memories from childhood?  Are most of the things we miss from our youth really things that weren’t very good to begin with?  Well, let’s take a look.  Lord knows you people aren’t taking any initiative!

I believe that much of what we claim to remember fondly probably wasn’t that good to begin with.  What we really miss is not “Welcome Back Kotter” or eating “Twinkies”,  but being young.  When you’re young, a lot of things seem good because…you’re young!

A few years ago, we were down on Long Island visiting my brother for Easter.  It was a nice day so we took my youngest son on a “Hoffman Victory” tour of sorts.  We proceeded to visit a lot of the places that I remembered fondly from my youth, including my old house, my High School (Plainedge), and many other establishments that I used to frequent.  (Interestingly, many of them were food themed, or perhaps, not that interestingly)

“Zorn’s of Bethpage, where free-range chickens have short life expectancies” (Hoffman Collection)

Visiting your old home is both a blessing and a curse.  I compare it in some ways to visiting your parents’ graves at the cemetery.  It’s a good thing to do, but in the end, it’s a little underwhelming.  You kind of expect something to happen, but, in reality that’s a little unrealistic.   I think it boils down to the fact that when you visit the place you grew up, two things invariably sour the experience:

1. Most of the time, the house you grew up in as well as the town itself has changed so much you barely recognize it.  All of a sudden you’re George Bailey running through “Pottersville” wondering where “Martini’s Place” and the “Bailey Building and Loan” went, and why there’s so many brothels and bars in their place.  (Call me a “Dirt-bag”, but I kind of preferred “Pottersville” over Bedford Falls)
2. Most of the people you knew and more importantly, those who knew you, are all gone.  You walk around expecting somebody to recognize you, but they look straight through you.  Jim Morrison was right.  People indeed, are strange….when you’re a stranger.

My old house in North Massapequa, except it’s the wrong color and all of the trees are gone.  Where’s all the bases for the Wiffle ball field?  What kind of monster would do this?  (Hoffman Collection)

I haven’t gone inside my old high school for a very long time,  probably not since 1982.  It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been teaching for 25 years, and walking into a school isn’t much of a “natural high”.  I’ve seen it from the outside a few times.  It’s pretty nondescript as high schools go. (As was my academic performance)

“Plainedge High School, where I learned to think about stuff”.  (Hoffman Collection)

I think, like a lot of former Long Islanders, I don’t miss the traffic or taxes, but there are things that are fun to go back and experience.  Here’s a sample of things that are either better or worse than I remember:

1. White Castle: Worse…especially because I was sober this time.
2. Krisch’s Ice Cream Parlor:  Still great, maybe even better!
3. Waldbaum’s Supermarket: Worse, I miss the pickle barrels and my brothers’ getting yelled at over the P.A. when they worked there.
4. Congregation Beth-el: I don’t know, I had the same bellyache that I used to get whenever I had to go to Hebrew School so, I’ll just assume it hasn’t changed
5. Kwong Ming Chinese restaurant:  Awesome of course, despite the “critics” who work for the Nassau County Board of Health.   I’ve always found the Department of Health’s “Grading System” to be just another bothersome layer of Government bureaucracy.  Thanks a lot Michelle Obama!

In addition, I should also mention the following from my youth, that are unfortunately, M.I.A:

• Caruso’s, Delta Diner, Bohack’s, Marty & Joe’s Luncheonette, the 5&10 Store,  the North Massapequa Theatre, Grant’s, Jolly Roger’s, oh, forget it, it’s too sad to go on.

I suppose it’s best not to try to look back too much.  Nothing can really be as good as the way we want to remember them.  All you have to do is bite into a “Twinkie” or watch an episode of “Welcome Back Kotter” and you begin to remember why you stopped enjoying these things in the first place.  Perhaps it is just best to remember the “Sweathogs” the way they were….really stupid!

Categories: General, Twinkies

Tags: Cheers | Cubs | easter | Jackie robinson | jim morrison | More

The world has been conquered!

Yes, the world has been conquered…..by me!  It has been conquered one “post” at a time.  How do I know this?  Well, check out this impressive list:

The United Kingdom, Canada, Qatar, Lebanon, New Zealand, Poland, Germany, Japan, (The entire axis, woo hoo!…except for Italy) Switzerland, India, Ireland, Brazil, Jamaica, South Korea, Ghana, Australia, Saudi Arabia, (Look who’s in the “House”???  House of “Saud” that is), Singapore, Netherlands, Antigua and Barbuda, Belgium, France, Venezuela, and the  United Arab Emirates.  I would also add that on my old blog (which is still active…hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com/) I just recently picked up a view from Cambodia.  This was a huge surprise considering the Khmer Rouge’s longstanding policy against capitalist blog sites.

“We urge all comrades to reject Hoffman’s capitalist, imperialist, educated, (They didn’t like educated people) bespectacled, (They didn’t like people with glasses) chubby observations.” (Getty Images)

In the interest of full disclosure, to both my exotic, mysterious foreign audience, as well as my “baseball, hot dog, and apple pied domestic audience, I should probably say that my “Qatar” viewers are made up of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who live there.  I should probably also admit that some of the foreign views come from people they know who live in other countries.  I think I should also be truthful in mentioning that my views from Singapore are probably attributable to my time there spent in one of their prisons.  I made some good friends while I was doing hard time for leaving a public toilet without bothering to flush it.  In fairness, I’ve always subscribed to the edict put forth by my friend Chris from Oswego who stated to me many years ago after I plugged up his toilet in Brooklyn: “Dude, if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down.”  Unfortunately, the Singapore government views that statement with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Good old Erfi, despite his high stress job, he’s able to kick back with a whimsical  post from “the kid”. (Getty Images)

I’m assuming that people from other countries who view my blog are “stumbling” upon it as opposed to seeking it out.  ”Tagging” is a good way to trap unwary virtual travelers.  For instance, a few months ago on my old blog site, I wrote an account of my Colonoscopy experience.  (Incredibly, it didn’t get that many views, as if a healthy colon is something our population can be flippant about)  One of the pictures I put up was a picture of Gandhi.  I also tagged Gandhi, and lo and behold I received several views from the “subcontinent”.  I felt this might provide me with a massive new audience.  If just a few people in Mumbai would “share” with a few people in Bengaluru (Formerly known as Bangalore), before you know it, I”m number one in a country of one billion!  But so far….not so much.

“Good evening New Delhi!!!!! traffic continues to back up on the Nehru Causeway as throngs of people line up to view the newest “Hoffman File” posting.” (At least this is how I picture it) (Getty Images)

I do seem to have a bit of a following in several nations of the Middle East.  Getting views from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia definitely took me by surprise.  I’m not sure how many Jewish bloggers there are in Saudi Arabia, and if there are, who are these people in Saudi Arabia and Lebanon that would be spending their free time reading them? At any rate, if there’s a top 10 most read Jewish blogging list in Mecca or Beirut, I’d like to think I’m amongst the most popular.  (Not Salmon Rushdie popular, because that type of popularity a fellow could do without.  I’d have to get a bodyguard, and then they’d follow me all over the place, and wonder how I could spend so much time in the bathroom, and other things best kept private.)

The amount of “views” I or anyone draws to their blog (be they domestic or foreign) shouldn’t really matter.  My brother who was an editor and is a College English Professor, has told me on several occasions that the number of views are irrelevant.  It’s easy, as he points out, to manipulate the number of views by simply tagging it with the word  ”Khardashian”.  All of a sudden, you’ll receive a lot more views, but that’s not really what it should be about according to him.  Instead he told me, that I should just have fun and keep trying to improve.  That sounds great, but there’s a certain validation you receive from posting your blog and getting a healthy amount of views.  Why is that?  Well, especially when you’re trying to be funny, (You know I’m trying to be funny right…I mean you know that right?) since you can’t hear people laughing at your blog, the best measuring stick for whether the posting was any good, is to see that a few hundred people viewed it.

Get us home Jeeves, I have to keep clicking on Hoffman’s blog so he thinks he’s popular in England. Bloody fool!” (Associated Press)

 

One thing about blogging for the “Times Union” or anywhere for that matter, is that people can comment on what you write.  Comments are nice…sometimes.  There is a bit of anger/rage/snarkiness to some of the comments, although the majority of them have been positive.  Unfortunately, one of my character flaws is to focus on the one negative aspect of any situation rather than embrace the multitudes of positive comments and experiences.  Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when my Australian viewers stated they wished to flush my blog down the toilet, “counter-clockwise”.  I would be better served to embrace the positive comments I’ve received.  For example, my South Korean audience enjoys tormenting rival North Korea (They of the very limited internet connectivity) by reading excerpts from the “Hoffman Files”, but then leaving out the punch lines, leaving them wondering why in fact a chicken would cross the road?  (My guess is that a North Korean would never wonder why a chicken would cross the road.  They would already know it was because “Dear Leader” said it could.  Anyway, they’d probably just eat it, after all, they are very hungry.)

“Oy vey, my back is killing me.  The only thing that makes the pain bearable is “Dear Leader’s” interpretation of the “Hoffman FIles”.  (Times Union)

The other thing I’ve learned since I began blogging for the “Times Union” is that headlines matter.  They matter more than subject matter, at least if you wish to draw in viewers.  I’ve had to learn this the hard way, and I’ve suffered some low viewer turnout for several of the following headlines:

1. “Tasty Truffles of Sub-Saharan Africa”
2. “Hairballs!  Natures Phlegm Cleansers”!
3. “Bathroom Odors You Just Can’t Replicate”
4. “The Subtle Mystique of Men with Superfluous 3rd Nipples’
5. Soccer

Since I pride myself on learning from my mistakes, I’ve been working on my headline writing and I’m hopeful that these will grab your attention going forward:

1. WAR!!!…and other card games you can play with your four year old
2. “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”!…and other great Frank Zappa songs
3. “The Jets Win the Super Bowl”! (In 1969)
4. “The Patriots Cheated their way to 3 Super Bowls”! (Just kidding, that’s old news)
5. “New Jersey Governor Hugs Dallas Cowboys Owner”! (Sorry, that’s a desperate one, I’m running out of ideas so I just made up something stupid that nobody would ever believe)

I guess all a blogger can do is keep trying and hopefully one day, reach more of the world’s untapped audience.  Perhaps my greatest satisfaction came when I received a view from the homeland of my ancestors…”Mother Russia”.  I think we all know who was dialing in to “The Files”, ahem, it was President Putin!  That’s right Putin….I’m watching you…especially when you’re hunting bears.

Soooo sexy….Soooo shirtless. (Albany Times Union)

So to all of my new friends around the world, let me just finish by saying:

1. Yes, all Americans are just like me
2. Bill Belichick is the Anti-Christ
3. Balding chubby men are indeed quite desirable in America

And finally, to my friends in Ghana, let me simply say,  ”Me daa si”

Categories: Colonoscopy, General, North Korea

Tags: Bill Belichick | Colonscopy | Gandhi | NOrth Korea | Saudi Arabia | More