"The stakes have never been higher".
You hear that a lot around election time. I'm not sure I'm buying
that premise however. I mean, World War Two, World War One, The Great
Depression, The Great Recession, The 9/11 Attacks, Lindsey Lohan dropping out
of rehab, there are countless examples of times and events in American history
where the stakes have been higher. Sometimes the commercials tell us that
one of the people running for office, "simply can't be trusted".
They play ominous music and show an unflattering picture of the
"untrustworthy" candidate, and you just feel that, well, maybe they
can't be trusted
Really, why would Mitt Romney attack Newt
Gingrich? I'm upset just thinking about it.
As a matter of full disclosure, I'm going to
admit to being a lifelong Democrat, and on most issues pretty liberal.
How I became a Democrat is pretty simple. My parents were
Democrats, as most New York City Jews were growing up in the 1930s.
Franklin Roosevelt changed the way people voted, converting countless
people from Republican to Democrat. It's a bit ironic that so many jews
switched form the Republican party, which had been the party of the north to
the Democrats considering that FDR really wasn't much of a
"Jew-Lover". But I suppose, between the Great Depression,
and the fact that Herbert Hoover wasn't spinning too many dreidels either,
seems to have made Roosevelt an attractive candidate for thousands of
Jews. My father believed that people who were born with less or through
circumstance had less, deserved some help from the government, so he
voted Democratic his entire life, and I suppose that rubbed off on my brothers
and I.
I would like to say that the Democrats are
better than the Republicans when it comes to governing and campaigning, that
they take some sort of high road. But who are we kidding? In all
honesty, both parties are guilty of running these endless, pointless
advertisements and making empty statements filled with empty promises in their
never ending reach for power. The endless commercial advertisements are
beyond annoying, yet research tells us that they work, especially the negative
ones. By watching these commercials, one can ascertain everything that
candidates from both parties either hold dear or find troubling. For
example, candidate "X" is deserved of your vote because he/she
supports or believes in:
1. Small Businesses
2. The Military
3. Good Jobs
4. Lower Taxes, and Fairness for Middle Class
Families
5. Repealing Common Core
Meanwhile, candidate "Y" can't
possibly be trusted, after all, "Y" believes in
1. Tax Breaks for Millionaires
2. Raising Taxes for Middle Class Families, in
fact, "Y" voted 64 times to raise taxes
3. Obamacare!!!
4. Shipping Jobs Overseas
5. New York City
You'll notice that they never say how they are
going to help Small Businesses, create Good Jobs, aid the Military, Lower Taxes
for Middle Class Families, or repeal Common Core, they just "believe in
it". How do I know so much about this process, well, I once ran for
public office. I ran for the Town Board of Clifton Park. There were
two seats up for reelection and three candidates. I did pretty well too,
just not as good as the two people who finished in front of me. How did
I find myself running for office? Well, since I asked, I think I'll tell
you.
It was the spring of 2005, my father had passed
away at the end of 2004 and I think I was looking to fill a void. It
might also have been the fact that the election of 2004 had not gone very well
for the Democrats. They got crushed in the national election, a
combination of "9/11", the war in Iraq, and the weak candidacy of
John Kerry. It seemed like the country was becoming forever moved to the
far right politically, and I hated the fact that Democrats just seemed so wimpy
and afraid to advocate for what they believed in. So, I joined the local
Democratic party and in typical Robert Hoffman fashion was bored out of my
freakin' mind after 15 minutes of my first meeting, plus there was nothing to
eat. Finally, it was mentioned by my neighbor who was co-chairman of the
Clifton Park Democratic Committee that the Democrats had no candidates to run
for town board, I said in a moment of weakness that I would do it, figuring,
hey it might be fun, plus I think it's good for a Social Studies Teacher to
either have military experience or political experience. I think we all
know I wasn't joining the military anytime soon, so it was with pride and
trepidation that I announced my candidacy to a room of about 8 crunchy granola
types and leftover hippies from the 60s, aka...the Clifton Park Democratic
Party members.
Now, to say I had an uphill battle would
be a very pronounced understatement. Clifton Park is about as Republican
as Kansas. Plus, the Town Board hadn't had a Democrat on the board since
1994, but if I got enough Democrats out to vote, then who knows? The
other issue I had was money, I didn't have any, neither did the Democrats of
Clifton Park. My two opponents, the incumbents had $15,000 each, I had
about a $1000 after soliciting everybody I knew. Most of my money went to
signs, like this one:
I went with a red sign hoping that people might
think I was a Republican. I didn't include blue because I couldn't afford
a second color on the sign. This was basically my campaign strategy, this and
walking door-to-door introducing myself to the good people of Clifton
Park.
Meeting people on the campaign trail was
interesting, partially comical and partially terrifying. At one
house, a guy invited me in saying that if I could clean up his water, I could
get his vote. He then showed me a jar of blackish water that he had been
collecting, telling me that this was what his drinking water looked like.
I told him if I was elected I would most certainly look into it. I
wonder if he voted for me? Then I was invited to a debate sponsored by the
League of Women Voters. It wasn't much of a debate since the other two
candidates didn't bother to show. The good news was that I easily won the
debate, even though I was almost thrown for a loop when somebody asked me a
question with the phrase "parcel of land". My confusion
centered around the idea that I didn't know what a "parcel" was.
After the debate, I was cornered by the "duck" guy.
He was a man who had a pond in his backyard who had collected dozens of
waterfowl. The town and his neighbors didn't approve. Maybe it was
the quacking and honking, or maybe it was the droppings, either way he was
fighting to keep his little sanctuary. Once he had me cornered, he started
yelling at me, explaining how local government was acting like the
"Gestapo" in making him close down his impromptu little birdie
reserve. Once he stopped poking me in the chest, I promised him I
would look into it. My wife and I also attended gatherings at senior
citizens houses, where the only positive that seemed to come out of it was that
the "old ladies" all agreed that my wife was prettier then the Town
Supervisor's wife.
By far the worst part though was the
sleaziness of the whole affair. You would think that the their wouldn't
be too much at stake over a town board election, but local politics is no
better than the national variety.
The Republican Town Chairman must have
decided I was some sort of threat to his hold on power, so he put out what is
called in politics, a "Hit Piece"! It was a flyer with a
picture of Laurel and Hardy dressed as professors (Since I'm a teacher I
suppose) saying it didn't make sense that I would run for anything since I
hadn't voted in any town elections previously. This was partially true.
I didn't even know about the town board until a couple of years before
this so I never took any notice or
interest. I think there was also a picture
of a monkey on the other side of
the flyer also dressed in a graduation gown
saying all the things that had happened since I last voted. My wife was
appalled, I thought it was kind
of funny, although I thought the Laurel and Hardy
reference was a fat joke.
Finally, with about two weeks to go before the
election, I received a call from one of my two opponents. This one
candidate apparently hated the other candidate they were paired with, and
wanted me to win even though I was from another party. This candidate
started telling people to vote for me, and even took me to campaign
appearances, all on the "down-low" of course. Very strange.
I felt like "deep throat", not the porn-star, but the political
squealer. In a way, like the sexier "deep throat", I was about
to get fornicated in this election.
In the end, it was probably better that I lost.
Sitting at a weekly meeting listening to people's problems, while noble,
really isn't in my wheelhouse. Sitting home on my comfy seat watching
"Monday Night Football", now that's something I can get behind!
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