Here Whiskers....Heeeere Whiskers!

For those of you who didn't know, November has become a month where men are not supposed to shave.  It is known as "No-shave, No-vember".  It's all part of a disturbing new trend that finds each month now has its own "shtick".  December has the holidays, (I won't name them under fear of offending people, but one of them rhymes with "Shmanza"), February is "Black History Month", June is now associated with Graduation, and March is known for the NCAA Tournament, St. Patrick's Day, and people in the northeast not hanging themselves over the weather.  It bothers me that November needed a new "thing" to get excited about.  It already had Thanksgiving, the best holiday of all, why did men and their faces suddenly get dragged into this tangled web?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-beard.  For at least the last 15 years I've sported either a goatee, or what is probably really known as a "Van Dyke".  Off and on over that time I've sometimes committed to the whole beard.  I've toyed with the idea of shaving the whole thing off, but my wife likes the goatee, although not the beard.  It would appear  that while she doesn't want the whole face covered, she doesn't necessarily wish to see the whole face bared for all to see either.  I guess I don't blame her, and quite frankly, I enjoy having some form of facial hair.  Many times, students ask me perplexing questions such as:

• Mr. Hoffman, can I go to the bathroom?
• Mr. Hoffman, what do you know about area 51?
• Mr. Hoffman, was Hitler Jewish?
• Mr. Hoffman, I still need to go to the bathroom!

It is when asked these endless life-pondering questions when I must be deliberate yet, certain.  A pause before answering can buy one time as well as help find that elusive universal truth that these young minds seek.  This is when an educator must dig deep.  Nothing says thoughtfulness like a gentle but firm stroke of the beard.

Ahhhh, that's better!

Long "show-beards" have become all the rage due to the recent success of "Duck Dynasty" and the 2013 World Champion Boston Red Sox.  The Red Sox victory is especially symbolic of the power of the beard, since the "anti-Red Sox" better known as the New York Yankees don't allow their players to have beards.  In fact, no Yankee player has had a beard since  3rd string catcher Percy Sweetwater tried to cover up his homosexuality on their infamous "Murderer's Row", 1927 World Championship team.  And that was really out of necessity, since the "Bambino' was famously intolerant of alternative lifestyles.   

All of this beard talk got me thinking, who in history were the greatest to sport whiskers? When one wears a beard, one is literally seizing the mantle of leadership.  Several of our Presidents' for example wore beards of various length, although their presidencies didn't exactly match the regal majesty of their facial hair.  For example, Benjamin Harrison had one of the greatest beards to ever inhabit the White House.   His presidency was less impressive.  One critic called him "stoic".  (The problem was, he had been dead for 3 years)  Its been said, that when Grover Cleveland won his rematch with Harrison in 1892, he almost resigned over all of the grey beard hairs in the White House Master Bedroom sink.    

Other bearded Presidents included James Garfield - Assassinated, Abe Lincoln - Assassinated, Ulysses S. Grant - Corrupt White House, Chester Arthur - Wicked Mutton Chops: 

The beard, and facial hair in general have demonstrated great impact in other fields and endeavors as well.  For example, the clean cut "mop-top" version of The Beatles sang about love and made the girls scream in innocent ecstasy, while the bearded grungy looking version of the band asked the populace if they wanted a revolution or commented on the comings and goings of "Mean Mr. Mustard".  (Noted "perv", known for sleeping in the park and shaving in the dark)

As far back as the bible, both Jesus and Moses sported beards.  Noah and Abraham also were known to forgo the "straight-edge".  Did having facial hair bring them closer to God?  Moses brought the 10 plagues to Egypt in order to force the Pharaoh into allowing the Children of Israel to be set free.  One of those plagues cast Egypt into 3 days of complete darkness.  A huge edge for Moses over Pharaoh.  Pharaoh after-all didn't wear a beard, how was he supposed to shave?

Sadly, if understandably, there are many professions and crafts where wearing a beard simply hasn't reached a level of acceptability.  Doctors typically don't keep a beard.  Nobody wants Captain Jack Sparrow performing their Vasectomy.  You rarely see soccer players with beards, although if they were to grow one during a game, it would actually give them something to do.  Broadcasters, particularly newscasters usually avoid growing whiskers, somehow it makes them seem less trustworthy when they're reading the teleprompter.

Are there any real drawbacks to having a beard?  Well, it can get caught in your coat zipper, which can be awfully painful.  You can get food stuck in it.  I've seen many a Rabbi with egg-salad stuck in their facial hair, which I would caution, is not as sexy as it sounds.  Beards can also be beneficial.  For decades, the C.I.A. has theorized that Fidel Castro, former minor league pitcher in the Washington Senators organization was hiding something hideous under his beard.  (In a great "what-if" of history, if Castro had a better curveball, the Cuban Missile Crisis would never have taken place)  In fact, conspiracy enthusiasts have claimed that J.F.K. had a plan to make Castro's beard fall off due to a poison dropped in his soup.  Perhaps Castro, acting through Lee Harvey Oswald acted first?  What do you think....Fidel??

I guess when it comes down to beards, I'm a fan.  So to my son Andrew, my nephew Jake, my brother David (sometimes) and my brother Mark (always) who sport beards, continue letting your "freak-flag" fly, after all as my son Andrew said, in 20 years, the beards, so popular in the early 21st century might become the mullets of the 80s.  Woefully shameful!