Hola'...Ebola'

Ebola is definitely some scary stuff.  It makes you bleed out all of your orifices as your organs turn to pulp.  There's not one good thing about any of this, in other words, there's no way you can spin this in a  positive way.  No one will ever utter this sentence:  "With the way the blood is oozing out of my ears, eyes and ass, I can honestly say, I have never felt better"!  People are looking to take all sorts of precautions, and after-all, who can blame them?  Panic is already starting to rear its ugly head.  One cable news station which will remain nameless  said recently that ISIL,  could be pouring over our boarders carrying ebola!  If you think about it, it's not that far-fetched.  If a suicide bomber would strap bombs to themselves and then walk into a crowded area and detonate the explosive and kill as many people as possible, why not have a suicide ebola patient?   All you'd have to do  is lick some sweat off of some poor infected bastard,  and then go into a subway train and start oozing fluids on to an unsuspecting bystanders.  Ebola-phobes everywhere, take heed, the enemy is already here!!!

Fortunately, I don't think we've reached this nightmare scenario just yet.  However, this hasn't stopped the anti-bacterial "Nazis", or "Sanazis" from forcing their moist gooey concoctions upon us.  Walk into any Elementary School in America, and there's anti-bacterial soap dispensers everywhere.  They are accompanied by big signs that say things like:

THIS IS A GERM-FREE SCHOOL.  WE PRACTICE SAFE HYGENE!  COMMUNIST GERM-CARRIERS NOT WELCOME!

There's only one problem with this logic.  Ebola is a virus not a bacteria.  A virus is a fascinating organism.  For one thing, they're not really alive.  And, if something's not really living...Can it really be killed????? (doo doo doo, doo ..doo doo doo doo)  They need a living host to latch on to, and then they invade your cells and make very bad copies.  Anti-bacterial soap kills bacteria, which are living organisms.  So all of this hand sanitizing isn't going to save anybody.

But I want to take it further than that.  I feel, and I would like to add, without a stitch of scientific evidence to back this statement up, that all of this hand sanitizing is hurting us, particularly our children.  First of all, we need certain bacterias to keep us healthy.    How do we know when we're using our sanitizing soap, that  we're not killing the good bacteria too?  Also, your body has to learn to deal with infection, if we keep killing using sanitizing soap every three seconds, then we're not teaching our immune system anything.  They are going to be as lame as our children who we attempt to solve every problem for that they encounter.

One thing I've noticed lately in the men's room is this almost ritualistic hand scrubbing that certain dudes do when they are done with their "dirty business".  Now, let's get something straight, I'm not advocating taking a "dump", wiping your ass and then, proceed over to yur kids chocolate chip cookies in order that you can start picking out the chocolate chips without washing your hands.  "Doody-hands" is a non-starter.  However, many guys after they're done urinating, will roll up their sleeves and do a deep scrub with that gross slimy bathroom soap (Mass produced in North Korea or some godforsaken place) in those grimy sinks.  "Hey, Marcus Welby MD, what are you doing, going into surgery"??  Let's be honest for a second.  All you did was touch your "member" for about 20 seconds, you didn't just troll for corn kernels in your cesspool.  The great George Carlin said in one of his books, that if your "dick" is so dirty that your have to scrub your hands after taking a leak, you may have more significant issues to address.

I feel fortunate that I'm not a germaphobe.  However, with this being said, there are certain things that gross me out.  Some truly gross everyday things in my humble opinion include:

1. Getting a bone or cartilage in your chicken salad.  There's nothing worse than a UCO (Unidentified Chewed Object) in a "salad.  An addendum to murky chicken salad is the cornucopia of veins and "unidentifiables" that one sees when they bite into a chicken leg or wing.
2. Tapioca pudding.  There's something unnerving about those little tapioca balls.  Too many small balls in my mouth doesn't give me "comfort".  In fact, I'm not sure there is a right amount of small balls that would go in my mouth that would give me comfort. 
3. Moch Bones.  For those of you who aren't jewish, it's bone marrow found in cow bones which are used for certain soup recipes.  My father would suck the marrow out of the bones with a sound that would make monks, silent for decades scream out in dismay.
4. Pubic hair in the butter tray in the refrigerator!  Why? ....How?....Why????'
5. Stepping on a wet bathroom mat.  I don't care if you're a zen-master, you can't step on one of those and not make that "Yuck-face"

So what is my best advice to those of you who fear the hard-sting of communicable disease?  Well, you've come to the right place.  I didn't just get a "D" in Zoology by "going through the motions".  I say, if your grandparents would have ate it, touched it, or crapped on it, it's probably good enough for you.  Hey, as they used to tell me mother when she was pregnant with my brothers and I, "Janet, if you're nervous about the pregnancy, have a cigarette, it'll relax you".