I recently turned 50 which really isn't a milestone or much of an accomplishment. Lots of people make it to 50, and unless you get hit by a bus, or volunteer to aid victims of the Ebola virus, you're probably going to make to 50, especially if you are a white suburbanite. I used to ask my father what it was like to get older, and he said it was better than the alternative. Now that's he's been dead for almost 10 years, he's truly an expert on the subject, the problem is, his expertise is being kept close to the vest if you know what I mean? My brother who is 12 years older than me tries to give me glimpses into my future. He states that it's not bad, and that if he could stay the same age he is now, everything would be fine. The problem as he himself points out, is that in the time it takes him to make the statement about how wonderful he feels at THIS age, he's already aged past that age, so I guess it's all moot.
So as I reflect upon my 50 odd years, I started thinking about what I like and what I don't like about being 50. So since I'm an American, I thought I'd make a list. Americans love lists. We rank everything. The top 25 College Football Teams, the top 40 countdown, 5 best recreational drugs to experiment with when visiting Epcot, etc... First, the negatives about being 50.
1. I'm 50! That means I'm well into the 2nd half of my life. Not only am I well into the 2nd half, I've already burned a couple of timeouts! I'm like that quarterback who goes under center, looks at the defense, doesn't like what he sees, and quickly burns a timeout. "Hey, I might need that timeout later in the game". Too late. People refer to you as middle age, but that's only if I make it to 100, and that's a big "if"? I'm not sure I want to do that anyway, but still, the clock is running.
2. I'm bald.......ing. I didn't see this coming. I've seen pictures of myself when I was in my 30s, I had a nice head of hair. What the hell happened? Nothing else physically about aging bothers me. Yes I'm fat, but I've always been, so no big deal there. Besides, as America has gotten fatter, I'm no longer an outcast, I'm downright average. Sometimes in order to build up my self-esteem, I walk into Walmarts, or the County Fair. The people turn while scootering around on their Powered Motoring Devices and say, "Oh look at him...he must of just come from a refugee camp!" So, as the country waddles past me, my weight has become less of an issue. That doesn't mean however that all is well. I have noticed that things are starting to drop. Gravity is winning, as it always does. I watched "Cosmos", and Neil deGrasse Tyson said that there's another element in the universe called "Dark Matter' which is supposedly battling gravity for control of the universe. That's what I need, "Dark Matter" to counter-balance gravities effect on me. I guess I knew my hair line was in trouble over 10 years ago. I used to part my hair in the middle until I noticed that the distance between the two sides of the part had grown so vast, you would need a Trip-Tik from AAA to get from one side to another. (If you don't know what a Trip-Tik is, then either:
A - Your Younger than 40
B - Your father wasn't a lifelong member of AAA like my father was, and my father would have then pronounced your father a Schmuck
Going bald is not one of those things you feel, but it's literally the first thing people notice about you. And of course it's a crap-shoot, you don't know what your scalp is going to look like. You could have a Gorbachev-like Topographical map on your head that by all rights should have been covered up for your entire existence, only to be exposed to all man-kind like some sort of man-made deforestation that just eradicated the proverbial "rain-forest" that used to be your hair.
3. Snap-Chat, Twitter, Instagram, Hash-Tag, Tweeting, Twatting etc... I used to include texting, but I've conquered that one. In fact, like all people, I now prefer that to actually talking to people, which is sad. That can't be good for our society. My kids never, ever call their friends. That was half the fun about making plans, calling your friends, and making fun of the other guys, now that would be considered bullying! I'm not sure what Snap-Chat is, but I think that Instagram is a picture you send people that fades after a few seconds. I'm not sure I get the point of that, or the advantage. If it's a good picture, why wouldn't you want it to last? I have pictures in shoeboxes stored in our basement in since the flood, I'm glad they didn't "fade-away". I think when you get to a certain point in life, you have amassed all the technology you need. My aforementioned brother doesn't have an i-pad, i-pod, i-phone, smart-phone, lap-top, microwave oven...that's right, you read that last one correctly, and while he has a cell-phone, he doesn't text, or receive phone calls on it. He shuts it off unless he is calling someone. I think he uses his telegraph when he's in a pinch, but as he likes to say, "....----....". I know what you're thinking, but like Yiddish, it's not as funny when you translate it into English.
So, what's good about turning 50, your kids are just about grown, and you start to see the fruits of your labor. (For me personally, labor was a bitch, there wasn't even a TV in the room, unless you count the monitors. You can send food back at restaurants, because let's face it, it's never hot enough. You can argue with your Doctor's office staff, the bank teller, the lady in the hotel lobby, the post-office, and pretty much all people in any service industry. People like to say that you can stop worrying about what other people think, but I don't think anyone ever stops caring about that. I was once at the barber, and I saw a 500 lb. guy getting his haircut, and he was indecisive about how he wanted it done. Considering he was pretty much wearing over-alls and burlap sack for an ensemble, I'm not sure what his consternation was regarding his coif, but still, as a balding man north of 50, in many ways, his full head of hair leaves me thinking how lucky that guy truly was, and that's the wisdom that comes with being 50.
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