Celebrate Christmas? Do I dare?????

(Editor's note...which once again is me)  This is part "deux" of my "groundbreaking" two part series on how I was raised Jewish, started celebrating Christmas, and managed to survive the guilt.  Several "big name" producers have already approached me regarding the movie rights, and I've taken several meetings.  I don't wish to be one of those "name-droppers', but let's just say a certain Hollywood big-wig, named Steven Spielbird, and one, George Mucas, and if you're looking for artistic integrity, how about a Mr. Seth Grogan, have all expressed interest.  No household names yet, but it's a start. In the movie version, I'm thinking....Young Rob, played by Anson Williams (Potise) and middle-aged Rob, well, I think it's obvious, Tom Cruise!  Now I know what you're thinking, "C'mon Rob, Tom Cruise? Really?"  Hey, I get it, I'm way taller than Tom Cruise, but they say James Cagney used to do his scenes standing on a box, so it could work.  Oh, and to play my wife...Linda Carter...circa...1977.  Ok, now back to the blog.

Yeah...it could work! (Times Union)

It has become a bit of a cliche' when discussing what Jewish people do on Christmas to say that they go to the movies and eat Chinese food.  It's a cliche', but it's actually true.  Honestly, other than being a little bored, I don't recall "missing" Christmas when I was a child.  Why so bored you ask?  Well, I would point out, that in those days, when there were only a few channels on television to choose from, it often came down to The Pope's Mass from the Vatican or on PIX, Channel 11, the "Yule Log".  For those of you under 30, the "Yule Log" was literally a log burning in a fireplace, on television, with Christmas music playing.  The advertisement used to say, "So c'mon, cozy up to the warmth of the "Yule Log" this Chirstmas Eve"!  "Must see TV", indeed!

For many Christians, whose best memories of Christmas are from childhood, it might sound odd  that I wouldn't miss Christmas as a child.   But, you must understand, it's hard to miss what you've never had.  The same holds true in regards to unpleasant experiences.  For example, you really don't know how horrible a root canal is until you've experienced it, and trust me, it's pretty awful.  As my mother would have said, "I wouldn't wish the pain on Hitler".  You know it has to be pretty bad because in my house, we wished everything on Hitler.  Goiters, bunions, shingles, 7/10 splits etc...

"Ach! not only do I need a root canal, but I think zis picture makes me look fat."

(Associated Press)

My first experience with Christmas involved being invited to my friend Jimmy's Christmas Eve gathering at his house.  I have to say, I thought it was awesome.  Plenty of food, drinks, and general pleasantness.  My first Christmas Tree however, came courtesy of my then girlfriend, later wife, Michelle.  She and her friend wanted to put up a Christmas Tree in their college apartment.  I helped them bring it back to their "hovel", and found the first real challenge of getting ready for Christmas, getting a real tree to stand up.  Since all we had for trimming was a butter knife, (and I'm guessing since this was college the knife was used and dirty) I did my best to hack the branches off and fit this "tree" inside someone's house.  In the time it took to do this, I could have plugged in eight Menorahs.  (Get it....eight!)

Having some frivolous fun at college is one thing, celebrating at home, in front of my Jewish parents was a different kettle of gefilte' fish.  Our first six years of marriage were spent in an apartment in Flushing, New York.  My wife refused to get a real tree until we owned a house, so we were forced to go with the "imitation" tree.  The problem was that we didn't have room in our apartment to store the tree, so I had to ask my father if we could store it in his basement.  My father proceeded to give me the stink eye to end all stink eyes.  It was not unlike the way Nikita Khrushchev eye-balled his tailor after this unfortunate wardrobe choice

C'mon Nikki, every fat guy knows you can drop about 30 lbs if you just untuck your shirt

(AP Photo)

I believe that what my father was saying was, "you know I don't love the whole Christmas thing,  and now you're making me aid and abet in its practice.

Fast forward a few years, and the Hoffman's are living in Clifton Park, and they are now proud homeowners.  As it would happen, a certain elderly couple, Sy and Janet Hoffman have done what no other senior citizen couple has ever done in their retirement...they've decided to move NORTH!  Florida-Shmorlida, my parents in their own demented way found the 8 1/2 month winters of the Capital Region irresistible.  Now that we owned a house, my wife had given us the the go-ahead to purchase a real tree.  Now that I'd become fully immersed in the Christmas experience, I wanted to be as legit as possible.  We weren't just buying a real tree, we were going to go out to Bob's Tree Farm, and cut one down ourselves.  Guess who not only decided he had to come with us and experience this Hoffman version of "survivor", but was now expert enough to yell at me the whole time and tell me what I was doing wrong?  (Based on his zero years experience celebrating Christmas)  My dad had come around.  But he had it easy, he had me to guide him.  But what of my own evolution?  How did I get past my own guilt and become comfortable celebrating a holiday that I had been raised to believe wasn't for me?

Well, marrying a person of the Catholic faith helps.  My wife let me know right from the beginning that many things were negotiable, but Christmas wasn't one of them.  It wasn't the religious component per se', my wife loves the entire celebratory aspect.  The decorations, the "Tree", the food, the gifts, the wrapping of the gifts, scaring the kids when they were little with sleigh bells convincing them it was Santa, in fact other than paying the bills in January, she lives for the whole experience.  I certainly wasn't going to stand in the way of all of that, but I have to give her family some of the credit for "converting" me into a fan of the holiday.

Honestly, why would I go through all of this when all I have to do is plug in a Menorah and it's instant Hanukah! (TImes Union)

The first time I went to my future in-laws for Christmas, my mother-in-law, being a good Sicilian was preparing a seafood feast.  The only seafood I ingest is a finely canned tuna.  My wife gave my future mother-in-law a heads up, and while everybody was eating the seven fishes of the Mediterranean, I was gleefully eating KFC  "Nuggets".  It was Christmas Eve in a box, and I loved it!  The next year, our first as a married couple, one of my wife's ten aunts and uncles had a party, and they couldn't wait to quiz me on what I thought about Christmas.  One of her aunts asked how I liked all of this since obviously it was new to me.  I said, "Oh, it's no big deal, I've been to lots of parties."

There are some people out there who don't get how a non-believer, be they Jewish, atheist, agnostic, satanic, etc..can celebrate a holiday without attaching any religious significance to it.  Some may even be bothered by it.  I understand, and I don't mean to offend, but I was definitely moved on a spiritual level the first time my wife made a standing rib roast, and I'm afraid that trumps the pot roast on Rosh Hashanah!  God bless us all....everyone...except Hitler.

Oy Vey...I love Christmas?

(Editor's note...and by "Editor" I mean me - This is the first of my two-part special on Christmas through the eyes of a very secular, non-practicing Jew.  Why non-practicing?  In the words of Allen Iverson..."It's practice man, practice..talkin' bout practice.")

As I've mentioned often in the past, I'm a huge fan of Thanksgiving.  It's not just the holiday itself, it also signals the beginning of a season where there are multiple holidays that one can make merriment out of.  As a child, there were few things I enjoyed more than looking at the "TV Guide", and then plotting out all of my favorite Christmas cartoons, claymation specials. and movies for my viewing pleasures.  The problem was, I often had to rush though my homework to see them since twice-a-week I didn't arrive  home until much later because I had Hebrew school.  (What, what?)  That's right, I and many of my Jewish friends and acquaintances love, love, loved all of the classic Christmas shows of the '60s and '70s.

In fact, I think it can be argued that the appeal of the Christmas cartoon/movies spans across the religious spectrum.   Even Zen-Buddhists when they're not seeking universal contentment, are wondering why "Tanta" Kringle in the Christmas classic, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" would send her only son of any merit, Kris Kringle, out into the Mountain of the Whispering Winds to do battle with the "Winter Warlock" knowing what a bad-ass he was.

("Damn you "Tanta" Kringle, damn you to hell!...metaphysically.)

(AP Photo)

Of course when one is watching the clock waiting for the Hebrew School bell to ring, the thought of any upcoming form of alternative entertainment sounded preferable.  When we first purchased Cable Television back in 1975, there were more channels than programs. Some of the channels were just written messages with the running time on the bottom of the screen.  I would have watched this slathered in egg salad, (and not the type with mayo, but dare I say..."Miracle Whip") rather than spend another 30 seconds in Hebrew School.

Why doth I protest so much?  Well, for one thing, it was two hours after school ended, twice a week, and two and a half hours on Sundays.  I'm sorry,  but Sunday school  seriously impeded my ability to watch the "Abbott and Costello" movie of the week on PIX/Channel 11.  "Who's on First" doesn't memorize itself!  Maybe it was that all of the classrooms were in the basement, and you could look up out the window and see just the feet of people walking by in freedom, close enough to touch, and yet millions of miles away, as witnessed from the bowels of Congregation Beth-el.   Maybe it was losing all of my baseball cards before classes began in either "match/dematch" or "Scaling"?

(To this day, I lament the loss of my treasured Babe Ruth card, one of his rarest.  A candid shot in his "lucky" undershirt.  The same one he used throughout the infamous 1925 "bellyache heard 'round the world" season, when  he never lost a hot-dog eating contest.  He may have also contracted a cornucopia of "STD's, but that hasn't been confirmed officially..AP Photo)

Most likely, it was that it was more school on top of being in school all day.  Most of the kids were poorly behaved.  Even yours truly was lifted by his neck hair by the Hebrew School Principal, Mr. Klein, who threw me out of class and put a hold on my Bar Mitzvah lessons, simply because I laughed when one of my classmates whispered to another that we should "give this guy a nervous breakdown". I was appalled by his rash decision, I mean me...America's sweetheart?  Fortunately, waiting for me at home  come December was a veritable buffet of Christmas "stop-action" animation, teaching me all of the valuable lessons and true meanings of Christmas, the mammoth holiday and celebration that I would soon be missing out on come December the 24th/25th due to my Jewish faith.

Actually, some of the lessons have proven to be somewhat peculiar considering these programs were allegedly aimed at children.  This has become even more self-evident  as I reflect upon them in my "middle" years.  For example:

• "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - While on the surface, a timely tale of tolerance and redemption, it seems to celebrate the worst aspects of capitalism, bullying, and rogue dentistry.  Hermie, a malcontent socialist with union agitating aspirations, performs a radical tooth extraction on what appears to be at the very least, an endangered species, the so-called "Bumble", giving him virtually no chance of now surviving in the wild, causing him to become totally dependent on man.  As for Santa, this thin, cutthroat of a C.E.O., turns his star reindeer Donner,  against his obviously deformed fawn, letting him know his offspring is on his way to  a lifetime of living off the public dole, with only "Obama Care" to look forward to.

• Oh sure, now you're Santa's bestie now that  he needs you!
• (Albany Times Union)

• ,"Frosty the Snowman" - A magic hat brings a snowman to life...truly magical...right?  Oh wait, it belongs to somebody, career "D" list celebrity, Prof. Hinkle.  A struggling magician who finally finds a gimmick that would make his years of performing in the "Borscht Belt" for the two o'clock in the morning crowd, being heckled by "Morty" and "Gloria"  seem worthwhile.  But instead of finally getting to cash in on his good fortune, some local toughs scam him out of his hat, forcing him to end up having to register as a level three sex offender.  (While Prof. Hinkle was probably innocent, he may have been done in accidentally by the mantra he kept repeating in close proximity to these very same children...."Think nasty, think nasty").

• ,(Call me crazy, but I think Prof. Hinkle is marching with Frosty,  even after he has lost everything! Magnanimous, thy name is "Hinkle"!....Times Union)

• "Charlie Brown Christmas" - There's a few disturbing elements here, although I have to give credit to Charles "Sparky" Schultz for calling out Christmas for its commercialism back in 1965!  But the fact Snoopy completely abandons Charlie Brown the minute his tree droops bothers me as a beagle owner, I know Burt would never abandon his family.  (He better not the little ingrate, we adopted him off death row)  I would also point out that while the tree Charlie Brown picked out was laughably inadequate, it wasn't love that the tree required in order to thrive, as much as it could have benefited from some quality G.M.O.'s

• 

(Monsanto could turn that tree into a monster, y'all...Times Union)

• "The Grinch" - As a child, the Grinch was probably my favorite.  In a strange way, I found myself rooting for him.  I think it had something to do with the fact that he put in so much effort into taking the wrecking ball to the Who's Christmas, that perhaps he deserved to emerge triumphantly.  The Grinch however is no role model.  Whether he's whipping his dog, or peering over the bed of unsuspecting "Who" children, the guy's a menace!  Also, for a guy with a congenital heart abnormality, he seems more than capable of cleaning out a whole town of its material wealth in just a matter of minutes.  I also object to his Santa Claus outfit.  Considering he sewed a Santa Claus costume for himself without as much as a pair of pants, fills me with considerable concern regarding how close I would want to see him to the Roast Beast.

Keep your hands off of my "Who-cardio-shnooks" (TImes Union)

• "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - This is my wife's favorite, and it is entertaining, but the last 15 minutes give me pause.  For example, "Miss Jessica" who is hot in that "Sexy Librarian"/"Sarah Palin" type of way, hits the wall.....hard!  I mean she really lets herself go.  Her husband has to cover 6 continents in one night, she could at least make an attempt to hold it together so the "Kringle" doesn't have to get snickered at by the elves when he and the Mrs. stroll by.  Now, I know what you're thinking, this is a double standard, Santa gets as big as a small planet by the end, but it's different.  He's the "sugar daddy", she's the trophy wife, it just works.  Mrs. Claus ought to get a Gym membership in her stocking.  I'm also suspicious of the people complaining at the end about the "hassle" of Christmas.  If you pay  close attention, it seems like the animators make them appear a little too "semitic" for my tastes.  Let's just say, it's on my radar.

(I always wanted my mailman to look like this...Times Union)

There are of course countless other cartoons, movies, songs, etc...that people associate with Christmas.  We are inundated with it whether we celebrate it or not.  It is an industry onto itself.  Best of all, it's an excuse to gorge one's self.  So, in the words of Mrs. Claus, "Eat Papa, eat! Nobody likes a skinny Santa"!