I coughed up a lung…at the movies.

My wife and I recently attended the movies.  I did this despite the fact that our financial advisor…advised against. it.  He said that if you wish to stay “liquid”,  you can’t afford a six dollar diet coke, even if it is a jumbo size 64 ounce cup.  According to my urologist, 64 ounces of diet coke is just enough soda to keep me catheterized for the better part of the year.

“Sir, for a dollar more, you can literally own a lifetime supply of popcorn and soda.”  (Getty Images)

It isn’t just the “enormo” size popcorn and soda that has changed the movie going experience .  In fact, when you think about it, movie going is a form of entertainment that has evolved perhaps more than any other over the past 100 years.

Movie watching began as an experience one did in isolation.  You put a nickel into a machine known as…you guessed it, a “Nickelodeon”.  You hunched over and turned a crank and watched classics like “Horse Galloping” and “Woman Sitting on a Bench”. (Spoiler alert, she gets off the bench at the end) “Nickelodeon’s” were also small movie houses where one could view silent movies.   Movies were in glorious black and white and they were of course silent.  (I wonder if people still “shushed” people in silent movie theatres?)  In the glory days of the silent movie, many movie houses had a piano player to accompany the film.  People would get dressed up for a night on the town, enjoying the antics of Charlie Chaplain, Lillian Gish, and Clara Bow, the “it” girl.  (Based on her reported promiscuous ways, the “it” that Clara Bow contained was probably “the clap”.)

“I didn’t care for the plot, but the effects were sick!”  (Times Union)

Once the talkies arrived, movies became a way to escape the drudgery of the “Great Depression”.  Movies also became the place where parents could send their children on a Saturday afternoon, and for less than a dollar, keep them entertained and out of their hair.  People of my parent’s generation (Born in the 1920s) could go to the movies on a Saturday, see several cartoons, Movietone News, a few “serials” such as the “Lone Ranger”, or “Batman”, or “Flash Gordon”, and then a double-feature.  In addition,  they could get popcorn and soda.  This was all done unsupervised by the way.  I would also like to point out to the “helicopter” parents out there, that despite having absolutely no parental supervision, well over 60% of these children made it back home safely….often on the same day!

Movies in the 1930s and ’40s were still mostly in black and white, and of course there was no blood, nudity or cursing.  As for sex, it was only implied.  Most couples were shown in separate beds, and thanks to the Hayes Commission, they always had to keep at least one foot on the floor when they were in bed.  Anatomically, this would have made for an excellent contraceptive, since I think those limitations would constitute a “deal-breaker”.   If you were being led into believing that sex had actually occurred, they would show the man and woman immediately fully clothed in the next scene as they did in “Casablanca” after Rick and Elsa supposedly had torrid sex.

“But how did you get your suit back on so fast”?
“I have a little trick…I never took it off”. (Times Union

When I was growing up in the 1970s, the local theatre was called the North Massapequa Theatre.  It wasn’t what you would call “pristine”.  Even as a child, I remember the floor was incredibly sticky.  I’m pretty sure that if you ever fell face first, they would have had to scrape you up with a spatula.  For a long time, going to the movies was like having a license to litter.  It was part of the experience.  Once the movie was over, you stuck the popcorn bag and the soda under your chair as if there was a magic garbage chute that would store and dispose of all consumer waste.  The sharply dressed ushers with their bow-ties and high-tech flashlights probably didn’t see the situation quite the same.  I often wondered why people who swept up popcorn and ripped tickets had to wear a bow tie and vest as if they were photographers at a gaudy 70s era Bar Mitzvah.

“Tickets please”? “I hope to parlay this look into the lucrative field of Bar Mitzvah photography”! (Getty Images)

As a teenager in the late 1970s and early ’80s, going to the movies became a regular pastime for my friends and I.  It usually started with a trip to “7-11″ where we would wait outside and keep a vigil looking for somebody who would buy us beer.  They had to be older, but not too old.  They needed to look cool, but not too cool.  Finally, they needed to look a little drunk…but not too drunk.  If one of my  older brother’s friends were to show up while we were there, that constituted a “jackpot”!  A sure thing!

“Excuse me sir…could you buy a six-pack for me, and six-packs for nine of my friends please?” (Getty Images)

We would then hike down all the way from Jerusalem Avenue in North Massapequa to the “Mid-Island Theatre” in Bethpage.  The great thing about the “Mid-Island Theater” in Bethpage was that in 1979, the cost of a movie ticket was 79 cents.  On New Year’s Day, 1980, the cost went up to 80 cents a ticket.  Thanks to these prices, my buddies and I were able to view such classics as “Friday the 13th,” (parts 1-3)   “Halloween,” (parts 1 and 2) “Death Wish,” ( part 2) and “”Caddyshack”.  (Definitely not part 2!)  Great pieces of art like these can only be described in one word, “Cinematifique”!

“Curses, why do I always move my vulnerable family into neighborhoods where the punk to middle aged Dad ratio is so damn high?!? (Getty Images)

Today of course, movie’s are high tech, big budget, and very, very LOUD!  My wife and I went to see “Interstellar” in “RPX”.  The music was so loud, we couldn’t hear the dialogue.  Not only that, it was much more expensive.  I paid more to hear less!  I know I sound like an old man, but hey, is it asking too much to hear what the actors are actually saying?  (And while we’re on the subject, why isn’t the soup ever hot enough?)  Many movies today are done in “3-D”.  This means I have to wear glasses on my glasses.  That’s not known in the world of fashion as a “hot look”!  Hear’s a sentence people who wear “3-D” glasses over their regular glasses are not likely to hear during this millennium: “Hey six-eyes, how’s about coming to my place for some hot action?”

“You boys see the way those dames are checking us out?” (Associated Press)

More disturbing than the outrageous high prices for tickets, soda, and popcorn, more bothersome than the 30 minutes of previews, worse than the fact that most movies seem to last two and a half hours minimum, is the fact that leaving your trash behind is no longer acceptable.  I actually have to throw out my trash.  What is this, Stalinist Russia?

“Comrades…make sure you purge trash, or I will purge you.” (Associated Press)

Many people are fighting back.  They bring their own candy and drinks into the theater to fight back against the high prices.  On this front, my nephew  has emerged as my newest hero.  He took “food smuggling” to a championship level.  He smuggled Chinese food into a movie.  I’m not sure the people next to him appreciated it though.  Apparently he was slurping his soup so loud, the gentleman behind him could barely focus on his texting.  While lo-mein with your chopsticks may not be easy or convenient in a Movie Theater, there is one benefit that cannot be denied.  You can throw your spare ribs on the floor!  Your move…cine-plex.

I utterly reject Arnold Horshack

The other night, my wife and I stumbled upon a local cable channel broadcasting out of Albany.   The classic sitcom “Cheers” was on, and within a few seconds I found myself laughing.  I was not surprised since it had always been one of my favorite all-time programs.  Over the summer, my youngest son, showing great determination and resolve (and thanks to the binge-viewing magic that is Netflix) watched every single episode of “Cheers” from beginning to end.  (I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there were a lot of those shows made.  This wasn’t some 8 episode arc we’re talking about.  We’re talking 27 episode seasons for eleven seasons.)  As any good parent would, I tried to supervise this adventure into sitcom abyss.  It was well worth the “sacrifice”, as I found myself laughing out loud often.   It held up very well even though some of the shows were over 30 years old.

“Telephone call for Ernie Pantusso”.
“That’s you coach”
“Oh sorry, hello”.
(Getty Images)

Anyway, whilst still basking in the greatness of “Cheers”, the station advertised that “Welcome Back Kotter” was up next .  My wife and I said, “ok, for the sake of curiosity we have to at least check it out.”  Saying “Welcome Back Kotter” looked, sounded, and felt dated, is like saying the Chicago Cubs, who haven’t won a World Series in 107 years, are in a rebuilding phase.  The poor Cubs haven’t even been to a World Series since 1945, and two things should be kept in mind regarding that fleeting bit of glory:

1. Their 1945 National League Championship came against “has-been’s” and “never-were’s” since all of the good major league players were fighting in World War Two
2. They haven’t been to a World Series since Jackie Robinson integrated Major League Baseball.  I’m not sure if this constitutes “cause and effect”, or coincidence.  It might be correlation, but I don’t have the time, energy, desire, or ability (a.k.a..intelligence) to study this phenomena further.

Gabby Hartnett, whose  ”Homer in the gloamin” helped propel the Cubbies to their last World Series” appearance. Which they lost. (Getty Images)

As my wife and I suffered through what had to be the longest 10 minutes in sitcom history, we watched those infamous “cut-ups”,  Arnold Horshack, Vinnie Barberino, Juan Epstein, and Freddy “Boom-Boom” Washington perform their overdone “schtick” to the studio audiences’ delight. (True bedlam broke out in the audience for a younger, head full o’ hair, pre-scientology’d John Travolta) As this dreadful scene unfolded before us,  it occurred to me that I used to live for this show.  I mean, you didn’t miss “Welcome Back Kotter”, when it first hit the airwaves.  You would sit there and laugh, and imagine yourself as one of the “Sweathogs”.  (“Hey Mom, am I more like Juan Epstein or Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington”?  ”Robbie!  Did you do your homework?”)  Is this true for many of our memories from childhood?  Are most of the things we miss from our youth really things that weren’t very good to begin with?  Well, let’s take a look.  Lord knows you people aren’t taking any initiative!

I believe that much of what we claim to remember fondly probably wasn’t that good to begin with.  What we really miss is not “Welcome Back Kotter” or eating “Twinkies”,  but being young.  When you’re young, a lot of things seem good because…you’re young!

A few years ago, we were down on Long Island visiting my brother for Easter.  It was a nice day so we took my youngest son on a “Hoffman Victory” tour of sorts.  We proceeded to visit a lot of the places that I remembered fondly from my youth, including my old house, my High School (Plainedge), and many other establishments that I used to frequent.  (Interestingly, many of them were food themed, or perhaps, not that interestingly)

“Zorn’s of Bethpage, where free-range chickens have short life expectancies” (Hoffman Collection)

Visiting your old home is both a blessing and a curse.  I compare it in some ways to visiting your parents’ graves at the cemetery.  It’s a good thing to do, but in the end, it’s a little underwhelming.  You kind of expect something to happen, but, in reality that’s a little unrealistic.   I think it boils down to the fact that when you visit the place you grew up, two things invariably sour the experience:

1. Most of the time, the house you grew up in as well as the town itself has changed so much you barely recognize it.  All of a sudden you’re George Bailey running through “Pottersville” wondering where “Martini’s Place” and the “Bailey Building and Loan” went, and why there’s so many brothels and bars in their place.  (Call me a “Dirt-bag”, but I kind of preferred “Pottersville” over Bedford Falls)
2. Most of the people you knew and more importantly, those who knew you, are all gone.  You walk around expecting somebody to recognize you, but they look straight through you.  Jim Morrison was right.  People indeed, are strange….when you’re a stranger.

My old house in North Massapequa, except it’s the wrong color and all of the trees are gone.  Where’s all the bases for the Wiffle ball field?  What kind of monster would do this?  (Hoffman Collection)

I haven’t gone inside my old high school for a very long time,  probably not since 1982.  It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve been teaching for 25 years, and walking into a school isn’t much of a “natural high”.  I’ve seen it from the outside a few times.  It’s pretty nondescript as high schools go. (As was my academic performance)

“Plainedge High School, where I learned to think about stuff”.  (Hoffman Collection)

I think, like a lot of former Long Islanders, I don’t miss the traffic or taxes, but there are things that are fun to go back and experience.  Here’s a sample of things that are either better or worse than I remember:

1. White Castle: Worse…especially because I was sober this time.
2. Krisch’s Ice Cream Parlor:  Still great, maybe even better!
3. Waldbaum’s Supermarket: Worse, I miss the pickle barrels and my brothers’ getting yelled at over the P.A. when they worked there.
4. Congregation Beth-el: I don’t know, I had the same bellyache that I used to get whenever I had to go to Hebrew School so, I’ll just assume it hasn’t changed
5. Kwong Ming Chinese restaurant:  Awesome of course, despite the “critics” who work for the Nassau County Board of Health.   I’ve always found the Department of Health’s “Grading System” to be just another bothersome layer of Government bureaucracy.  Thanks a lot Michelle Obama!

In addition, I should also mention the following from my youth, that are unfortunately, M.I.A:

• Caruso’s, Delta Diner, Bohack’s, Marty & Joe’s Luncheonette, the 5&10 Store,  the North Massapequa Theatre, Grant’s, Jolly Roger’s, oh, forget it, it’s too sad to go on.

I suppose it’s best not to try to look back too much.  Nothing can really be as good as the way we want to remember them.  All you have to do is bite into a “Twinkie” or watch an episode of “Welcome Back Kotter” and you begin to remember why you stopped enjoying these things in the first place.  Perhaps it is just best to remember the “Sweathogs” the way they were….really stupid!

Categories: General, Twinkies

Tags: Cheers | Cubs | easter | Jackie robinson | jim morrison | More

The world has been conquered!

Yes, the world has been conquered…..by me!  It has been conquered one “post” at a time.  How do I know this?  Well, check out this impressive list:

The United Kingdom, Canada, Qatar, Lebanon, New Zealand, Poland, Germany, Japan, (The entire axis, woo hoo!…except for Italy) Switzerland, India, Ireland, Brazil, Jamaica, South Korea, Ghana, Australia, Saudi Arabia, (Look who’s in the “House”???  House of “Saud” that is), Singapore, Netherlands, Antigua and Barbuda, Belgium, France, Venezuela, and the  United Arab Emirates.  I would also add that on my old blog (which is still active…hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com/) I just recently picked up a view from Cambodia.  This was a huge surprise considering the Khmer Rouge’s longstanding policy against capitalist blog sites.

“We urge all comrades to reject Hoffman’s capitalist, imperialist, educated, (They didn’t like educated people) bespectacled, (They didn’t like people with glasses) chubby observations.” (Getty Images)

In the interest of full disclosure, to both my exotic, mysterious foreign audience, as well as my “baseball, hot dog, and apple pied domestic audience, I should probably say that my “Qatar” viewers are made up of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who live there.  I should probably also admit that some of the foreign views come from people they know who live in other countries.  I think I should also be truthful in mentioning that my views from Singapore are probably attributable to my time there spent in one of their prisons.  I made some good friends while I was doing hard time for leaving a public toilet without bothering to flush it.  In fairness, I’ve always subscribed to the edict put forth by my friend Chris from Oswego who stated to me many years ago after I plugged up his toilet in Brooklyn: “Dude, if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down.”  Unfortunately, the Singapore government views that statement with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Good old Erfi, despite his high stress job, he’s able to kick back with a whimsical  post from “the kid”. (Getty Images)

I’m assuming that people from other countries who view my blog are “stumbling” upon it as opposed to seeking it out.  ”Tagging” is a good way to trap unwary virtual travelers.  For instance, a few months ago on my old blog site, I wrote an account of my Colonoscopy experience.  (Incredibly, it didn’t get that many views, as if a healthy colon is something our population can be flippant about)  One of the pictures I put up was a picture of Gandhi.  I also tagged Gandhi, and lo and behold I received several views from the “subcontinent”.  I felt this might provide me with a massive new audience.  If just a few people in Mumbai would “share” with a few people in Bengaluru (Formerly known as Bangalore), before you know it, I”m number one in a country of one billion!  But so far….not so much.

“Good evening New Delhi!!!!! traffic continues to back up on the Nehru Causeway as throngs of people line up to view the newest “Hoffman File” posting.” (At least this is how I picture it) (Getty Images)

I do seem to have a bit of a following in several nations of the Middle East.  Getting views from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia definitely took me by surprise.  I’m not sure how many Jewish bloggers there are in Saudi Arabia, and if there are, who are these people in Saudi Arabia and Lebanon that would be spending their free time reading them? At any rate, if there’s a top 10 most read Jewish blogging list in Mecca or Beirut, I’d like to think I’m amongst the most popular.  (Not Salmon Rushdie popular, because that type of popularity a fellow could do without.  I’d have to get a bodyguard, and then they’d follow me all over the place, and wonder how I could spend so much time in the bathroom, and other things best kept private.)

The amount of “views” I or anyone draws to their blog (be they domestic or foreign) shouldn’t really matter.  My brother who was an editor and is a College English Professor, has told me on several occasions that the number of views are irrelevant.  It’s easy, as he points out, to manipulate the number of views by simply tagging it with the word  ”Khardashian”.  All of a sudden, you’ll receive a lot more views, but that’s not really what it should be about according to him.  Instead he told me, that I should just have fun and keep trying to improve.  That sounds great, but there’s a certain validation you receive from posting your blog and getting a healthy amount of views.  Why is that?  Well, especially when you’re trying to be funny, (You know I’m trying to be funny right…I mean you know that right?) since you can’t hear people laughing at your blog, the best measuring stick for whether the posting was any good, is to see that a few hundred people viewed it.

Get us home Jeeves, I have to keep clicking on Hoffman’s blog so he thinks he’s popular in England. Bloody fool!” (Associated Press)

 

One thing about blogging for the “Times Union” or anywhere for that matter, is that people can comment on what you write.  Comments are nice…sometimes.  There is a bit of anger/rage/snarkiness to some of the comments, although the majority of them have been positive.  Unfortunately, one of my character flaws is to focus on the one negative aspect of any situation rather than embrace the multitudes of positive comments and experiences.  Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when my Australian viewers stated they wished to flush my blog down the toilet, “counter-clockwise”.  I would be better served to embrace the positive comments I’ve received.  For example, my South Korean audience enjoys tormenting rival North Korea (They of the very limited internet connectivity) by reading excerpts from the “Hoffman Files”, but then leaving out the punch lines, leaving them wondering why in fact a chicken would cross the road?  (My guess is that a North Korean would never wonder why a chicken would cross the road.  They would already know it was because “Dear Leader” said it could.  Anyway, they’d probably just eat it, after all, they are very hungry.)

“Oy vey, my back is killing me.  The only thing that makes the pain bearable is “Dear Leader’s” interpretation of the “Hoffman FIles”.  (Times Union)

The other thing I’ve learned since I began blogging for the “Times Union” is that headlines matter.  They matter more than subject matter, at least if you wish to draw in viewers.  I’ve had to learn this the hard way, and I’ve suffered some low viewer turnout for several of the following headlines:

1. “Tasty Truffles of Sub-Saharan Africa”
2. “Hairballs!  Natures Phlegm Cleansers”!
3. “Bathroom Odors You Just Can’t Replicate”
4. “The Subtle Mystique of Men with Superfluous 3rd Nipples’
5. Soccer

Since I pride myself on learning from my mistakes, I’ve been working on my headline writing and I’m hopeful that these will grab your attention going forward:

1. WAR!!!…and other card games you can play with your four year old
2. “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”!…and other great Frank Zappa songs
3. “The Jets Win the Super Bowl”! (In 1969)
4. “The Patriots Cheated their way to 3 Super Bowls”! (Just kidding, that’s old news)
5. “New Jersey Governor Hugs Dallas Cowboys Owner”! (Sorry, that’s a desperate one, I’m running out of ideas so I just made up something stupid that nobody would ever believe)

I guess all a blogger can do is keep trying and hopefully one day, reach more of the world’s untapped audience.  Perhaps my greatest satisfaction came when I received a view from the homeland of my ancestors…”Mother Russia”.  I think we all know who was dialing in to “The Files”, ahem, it was President Putin!  That’s right Putin….I’m watching you…especially when you’re hunting bears.

Soooo sexy….Soooo shirtless. (Albany Times Union)

So to all of my new friends around the world, let me just finish by saying:

1. Yes, all Americans are just like me
2. Bill Belichick is the Anti-Christ
3. Balding chubby men are indeed quite desirable in America

And finally, to my friends in Ghana, let me simply say,  ”Me daa si”

Categories: Colonoscopy, General, North Korea

Tags: Bill Belichick | Colonscopy | Gandhi | NOrth Korea | Saudi Arabia | More

1975: The worst year ever?

Let me clarify.  Obviously, the years of the Civil War, (1861-65)  the year 1968, (Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. assassinated) and the years of World War Two, (1941-45) were pretty horrible.  But I'm a selfish creature.  Those years were either before I was born, or occurred before I can accurately remember.  So while I give them their collective due, those years didn't impact me directly. 1975, however,  that one I still remember pretty accurately, and I don't remember it as being very good.

Pete Rose understood what fashion meant in 1975...it was all about the collar! (Associated Press)

From a foreign policy standpoint, 1975 was not a particularly strong year for the United States.  Both Cambodia and South Vietnam fell to the Communists.  It reflected a decade of failed policy by Democrats and Republicans alike.  Economically, the U.S. suffered from significant inflation.  How bad was it you ask?  It was so bad, that unelected President Gerald Ford issued an Executive Order that all Americans had to wear one of these:

These were known as "WIN" buttons. "WIN" stood for "Whip Inflation Now". According to the Congressional Budget Office, "WIN" buttons had zero impact on the economy. (Associated Press)

In fairness to Ford, he did inherit this mess.  He was only President because both President Ricard Nixon and Vice President Spiro Agnew were forced to resign in disgrace.  I believe we had a right to demand more from two candidates who ran on the issue of "law and order".

"They can't get rid of both of us....can they"?  (Associated Press)

Musically, 1975 was a peculiar year to say the least.  "Punk Rock" hadn't quite made its way over from London, "Disco" was in its infancy, and something called "Glam Rock" was approaching its death rattle.  So who were the top selling artists of 1975?  Well, here they are...turn your head and cough:

1. The Captain and Tennille - "The Captain", aka..Daryl Dragon was one of the top keyboardists in his band
2. Glen Campbell - Imagine if Billy Ray Cyrus didn't have a mullet and had talent
3. Elton John - How popular was "Sir Elton" in the mid 1970s.  He once accidentally coughed up phlegm and it landed on the recording machine...it came in at #9 on the Billboard charts.
4. Freddy Fender - He sounds more like a Mafia "hit-man".  "Yo, it's Freddy the Fender"!

Other notables included at #8, Neil Sedaka.  Sedaka was not only a craftsman when it came to songwriting, but his "East coast vs. West coast" feud with his Kosher Butcher left several Passover Seder Plates without Lamb Shanks.  I would also caution you not to forget Carl Douglas at #13 with his mega-hit, "Kung-Fu Fighting":

(Editor's note: This is a really bad song)

While popular music may have hit a bit of a trough, television was in a new golden age.  Look at the top shows for 1975, and I defy you to name any show today, particularly a comedy that compares:

1. "All in the Family" - A hilarious show made with brutal honesty.  You can make an unlimited amount of "boner" jokes today on "Big Bang Theory", but god forbid a program today tries to have an honest conversation about race.
2. "Sanford and Son" - Ok, this one didn't exactly break down racial stereotypes, but it was funny.  By the way, two of the head writers for this African-American comedy starring Redd Foxx were Saul Turteltaub and Bernie Orenstein.  There's nothing wrong with that...is there?
3. "Chico and the Man" - I preferred Jack Albertson caressing the recently deceased Shelly Winters in the "Poseiden Adventure" personally, rather than him exchanging quips with a very young and sadly tragic Freddie Prinze.
4. "The Jeffersons" - The Jeffersons were like an upscale version of "Sanford and Son".  Once again, a black male was the leading character and was the butt of most of the jokes.  I don't think that would fly today.  I also think the reason nobody is named Louise anymore is because they don't want to called "Wheezie".
5. "M*A*S*H" - A comedy about war.  I doubt you would see that today either.  In fact, even "M*A*S*H" tired of trying to make fun of war.  By the last three seasons, it was pretty much a drama with most episodes including lines like, "Damn-it B.J., they're just children!"

The sports scene, in the New York City/Metropolitan area anyway saw an interesting if depressing anomaly.  Because of various construction projects, 1975 witnessed a bizarre once-in-a-lifetime home field disadvantage for New York City's baseball and football franchises.  Can you guess what it was?  Well, the New York Jets, Giants, Mets, and Yankees all shared the same home field.  All four teams played their home games in that "Mecca" of sports refuge...Shea Stadium.  The Mets and Jets both played their home games at Shea Stadium anyway, but with the "new" Yankee Stadium still being refurbished, and Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands still being completed, all four teams would play their home games at Shea.  By the end of year, the infield looked like a Staten Island landfill.  Fortunately, there was no impact on the post-season.  None of the four teams made the playoffs, further cementing 1975 as a year filled with disappointment.

The grounds crew tries in vain to get the field back in playing shape after a rare September quadruple header featuring the Jets, Giants, Mets and Yankees. Spoiler alert...they all lost! (Getty Images)

For me personally, 1975 was a traumatic year.  I was eleven years old, and  I was going into 6th grade, and I couldn't have been more excited.  At my Elementary School, (Robert E. Picken Elementary School), 6th grade was the top grade.  Beginning in kindergarten, everybody waited those long six years so they could achieve the status known as "king of the school".   The 6th graders always looked so dangerous and cool.  It looked like they shaved and smoked...at the same time!  However, fate was about to play its hand.  Fate, and changing demographics.

 The Plainedge School District, located in scenic North Massapequa, was experiencing a decline in its population as the "Baby-Boom"  generation began its final cycle through the school system.   The Board of Education announced that the district needed to close one of their Elementary schools.  They logically decided to close the newest and nicest school in the district.  (Personally, I think it was because of the name.  Kids from Schwarting Elementary were always saying that "Picken, picks their nose".  The retort, "Schwarting, Scwartz their nose",  just never caught on)  Now that our grade was being robbed of its birthright as "Kings of the School", we were shipped off to Packard Middle School along with all 400 other 6th graders in the district.  In exchange for our heartache, they gave us a Jukebox in our cafeteria.  This however was just the beginning.  From 5th grade through 9th grade, I proceeded to attend 5 different schools.  Robert E. Picken, Packard, Southedge, back to Packard and finally Plainedge High School for 9th grade.  I believe this is one of the main reasons I didn't end up attending an Ivy-League school.  This and an appalling lack of ability.

Fortunately, 1975 wasn't a leap year, and the blase' year mercifully came to an end as all year's must.  I knew things were beginning to turn around in early 1976 when my eyes beheld a most magical moment.  I turned on my television, and I became witness to one of the great cultural events of my lifetime.  The Bicentennial Minute!

Even Tennessee Williams, perhaps through the kindness of strangers, participated in the "Bicentennial Minute"! (Getty Images)

All is quiet...on New Year's Day

Sunday is not a great day.  Monday is worse to be sure.  In fact, it's really an amalgamation of Sunday night into Monday morning that mankind dreads.  If you really wish to put a fine point on it, it is really when "60 Minutes" begins.  The ticking of the "60 Minutes" timer, is in all actuality counting down your last seconds of freedom.  It continues through your commute to work, only ending around the first hour on the job.  Once you're at work, well, you're at work, and unless you hate your job, it's not that bad....once you get there.  My theory always ran something like this, and it goes back to when I was in college.  Thinking about going to class was always better than actually sitting in class, while thinking about work is always worse than actually being there.  Still, Sunday, is just not a great day, especially with football winding down.

Counting down your weekends since 1968. (Getty Images)

Keeping all of this in mind, it would therefore be unfortunate I should think to have a holiday that is for all intents and purposes known as the "Ultimate Sunday".   That day of course would have to be New Year's Day.  I'm not even sure I see the purpose of New Year's Day, other than to sleep off hangovers from New Year's Eve.  I'm not against that per se', but it's a flimsy reason as holidays go.  For example, if you wanted to start designating holidays based on hangover potency, why isn't the Monday after the Super Bowl a holiday?  There's got to be a lot of work hours lost due to extended trips to the bathroom due to the ingestion of chicken wings, nachos, and other gastro-intestinally challneged foods.  If anyone gets up from their desk on the Monday after the Super Bowl clutching a "New York Post" and groans out to the person's cube next door, "Cover me", you know it's going to be a while.  This doesn't even account for all of the people who just wake up and say, "Ah, the hell with it", hit their alarm and go back to bed.  At the very least we could all come to some consensus on the idea that we could start the workday an hour later on the Monday after the Super Bowl.

There's just no way I can perform all of these Vasectomies the morning after the Super Bowl! (Getty Images)

I guess I'm not complaining about New Year's Day being a holiday.  I certainly don't wish to take a day off of work for granted.  It's just that it has such finality to it.  All of the hype for the holiday season comes crashing to an end.  Plus the day itself is such a flat-liner.

It begins with the idea that you are going to sleep late, after all, it's New Year's Day, there's nothing else to do.  However, if you have little kids, or if you were drinking the night before, sleeping late is much more difficult than it sounds.  Three year olds don't care that it's New Year's Day, because everyday of the week is New Year's Eve to them.  And, while drinking the night before may allow you to "pass out" easier, it doesn't mean you get a good night sleep, or that you will in fact sleep late.  (As I am now 50, sleeping in means 7:30)  I can remember as a child that New Year's Day was one of the few days my parents attempted to sleep late, which probably meant around 9:00am.  My parent's weren't big drinkers, and my father was practically  a "Teatotaler".  He never understood the purpose of getting drunk.  He used to say, "why do you want to drink something that's going to make you act stupider?"  When he really wanted to send a message, he would ask me why I needed to drink in order to "loosen up"?  "Are you saying you can't have fun just as you are?  Is there something wrong with you"? Since there were no real answers to any of these questions, I would just start drinking to forget that they were asked in the first place.  (He also liked to point out that most alcoholic beverages tasted lousy, when I said it was an acquired taste, he said, "Why do I need to acquire it"?)

"Wake up Mom and Dad...Wake up!!!" (Getty Images)

Honestly, even after my parents woke up, the day was a drag.  You had to watch the Rose Bowl Parade, which even as a little kid seemed like a parade for girls.  You couldn't really go anywhere because everything was closed.  We never went out for dinner or did anything of any substance, but knowing that the next day was usually a school day, perhaps this made the transition a little easier.

Today, a lot of that has changed.  A lot of stores and restaurants are now open on New Year's Day.  In many ways, other than the Banks, Stock Market, Post Office, and Schools being closed, it's really becoming more like Columbus Day.  It's just  another day to go shopping, go to the movies, take the kids out, but no particular significance.  For many people, New Year's Day is all about taking down the Christmas Tree.  Taking down the "Tree" is a major step towards ending the year, and starting anew.  There's a nice feeling of accomplishment knowing that the tree is down.  It also helps people get ready to execute their New Year's resolutions.

Good lord...the waste! (Getty Images)

The irony of the "New Year's Resolution" is that they rarely bear fruit.  According to Forbes.com, only 8% of New Year's resolutions are accomplished.  By far, the most popluar New Year's resolution is to lose weight.  Since most people who go on diets fail, or eventually gain their weight back, it skews the results a little.  Therefore, perhaps we are more successful than we have been led to believe?  I've had a mixed record regarding my New Year's resolutions.  For example, I have had success at losing weight, but that was usually when I had gotton too fat!  A couple of years ago, I decided I wouldn't curse anymore, just "hell" and "damn".  That lasted about three f#$&ing months.  (Sometimes, you really just have to curse in order to make a point.)  This year, I'm hoping to read more books.  The stupid internet has ruined my ability to concentrate on anything for more than five minutes, so as a result, my book reading has suffered.  I know I can do it, I just have to find the right book.  (You're looking at a man who once read the "Lord of the Rings" triology on the toilet.  It took a year, but it was sooooo worth it.)

"Oh Frodo Baggins, will you ever learn"? (Getty Images)

(Editor's note - Some of you may find this crass, but what you should be asking yourself is why does "Getty Images" have a stock photo of a man reading on the toilet?)

So what are your New Year's resolutions?  Here are some suggestions:

1. Spend more time in the bathroom.  (That's your time...Damn-it!)
2. Go for more walks.  People love it when they see you walking, they wave, they stop and talk to you, walkers are universally loved.  If you're walking a dog, it practically makes you Gandhi!
3. Try out for a part in your local Community Theatre.  Everybody loves to wear a costume, the trouble is, it's rarely socially acceptable.  When you're in a play, you can be anybody you wish.  If it's a Shakesphere play, then you can wear those tights you've always dreamed of.
4. Go to Liquer stores and do as many free wine tastings as you can.
5. Gain Weight.  It's almost guaranteed to succeed.
6. Travel to places nobody else goes.  "This year we are going to Nebraska, North Dakota, (The one true Dakota) and Toledo to take in a Mudhens' game."
7. Take a reverse-equity mortgage.  According to Henry Winkler, you can keep...Your Home!
8. Binge watch a show.  The year my wife and I got through "Breaking Bad" still stands as my greatest accomplishment!
9. Eat one thing you've never eaten before.  Perhaps that KFC sandwich that uses chicken as the bread?
10. Start smoking cigars.  When you have a lit cigar in your hand, and then you start pontificating, anything you say sounds intelligent.

"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side....Yeah!" (Robert Hoffman Collection)

So, no matter how limited your intellectual capacities may be, just aspire to light up a stogie, and in the words of Fredo Corleone:

(Feeling nostalgic, check out some older "Hoffman Files" at (hoffmanfiles.blogspot.com/)